Revelation
Interesting times….
They say you pay attention to certain things because they resonate with you. ..the whole “you see what you see through the lens of your own experiences”. Art is especially susceptible to personalization as art in of itself is all about subjectivity.
Last couple of weeks have been engaged in different types of discussions on various topics, of course mostly in the fandom, but reading some opinions….sometimes I got a little irritated.
I know I’ve talked about The Professor for example and why he appeals to me. Personality similarities aside…and seeing the parts of myself I stuff down manifested in a person, it’s really kind of an obsession/study for me because I am SOOOOO disconnected from stuff like romance and relations and sex…it all seems very foreign to me. I realized this more today especially while watching Game of Thrones and Insecure….
In GoT I LIKED seeing the development of Danny and Jon and how they are slowly realizing that they like each other and it’s like “aww”.
In Insecure, that show it soooo soo messy. I watch shows like that all the time between that and Black and Sexy TV …but they just strike me as sooooo sooo messy and I’m always like “is this how it’s really like in the streets?!”
And then the stories of stuff that happened around The Professor and how he had rotations and chicks playing each other and how he kind of sat back and let happen because hey…he still got the support he needed at the end of the day so it didn’t really matter if they got along.
It all just seems so messy and I don’t really have any drive to experience any of it myself.
Now I know it’s not always messy, and I’m sure there’s some benefit or nice things about having a companion who is sexually appealing and that you might share intimacies with, but it’s strange to me.
Like the whole concept of sex like you put yourself in someone else? It’s…..weeeriired to me right now. Like..ugh (haha yes I’m 32 and not 12 believe it or not).
I don’t know maybe I’m too mental or I’m just so far removed from even thinking about or engaging in that or it’s just been a long time since i’ve even been attracted to someone in that way…it’s like reading about or watching some fantasy story that is alien to me?
MAYBE I do write scenarios of a certain sort and MAYBE they do dip a bit into relations a bit (okay a lot), but the thing I noticed about the way I write those is that there is never just a nice and loving exchange when it comes to relations, there’s always a struggle attached. Those scenarios or scenes are never about the actual sex, it’s a battle of ego or surrender or even never about being in the moment and being with that person, but some internal struggle that’s being worked out through the other person. At the end of the day those scenes are less about a dude and more about me symbolically having sex with myself and using the characters as avatars for my two sides. A sort of therapy if you will to suss out my feelings regarding. I’ve lately been forcing myself to write past the “clincher last statement” i usually end with to what happens after and it always goes a level deeper when I do…like to a strange place that’s kind of dark?
Eh…
And for me I recognize when my brain does go to that part of The Professor, it’s interesting because he’s probably the only outlet for relationship stuff for me and it’s because it’s safe, right? Dead person so what better way to think or theorize about that than through a depiction of a person who isn’t here to make it real or feasible. Also that appeal in general is all mental than physical anyway. Look with your eyes and the voice and let’s discuss string theory.
Interesting.
I still have no desire for relationships.
Still have no desire for sex.
And not gay or asexual….
But…wondering if I’ll ever do that…or even be in a relationship again because…
I just I’m not interested…
Like even when I think about whatever fears and stuff that are associated and I know I have….even those don’t really drive my disinterest.
I’m just NOT interested in that for me.
And I’m not sure what to make of that…or if I’ll regret it 30 years from now when i don’t have the benefit of youthful beauty like I have now or when I don’t have the ability to use my privates the way I can now.
Will I regret this later?
Only future me knows the answer to that…
