Let’s Talk About It
Alright.
I was starting to say too much on Twitter so here I am.
I don’t talk about relations a lot on here.
It’s not because I’m a prude or whatever, and it’s not REALLY because I’m pretty private about that subject in general.
A lot of it is driven by me really trying to figure out my own sex.uality and how I present it to others and to myself. Like…how do I REALLY feel about it and how comfortable am I in my own skin?
Yes this is still about Prince, but it’s about other things too. This will be long and rambling…
So the Michael vs. P.rince thing is apple and oranges. They’re not comparable in talent, one is not “better” than the other. There is there a difference for me, in how they impact me personally.
Michae.l has always been about nostalgia. He’s connected to different parts of my life, especially to my family…growing up as a P.epsi family (my dad worked for them), getting to go to his concerts, my parents being big fans of the Jackson.s when they were little, really, he’s like a part of the family.
Prin.ce was around, but at that time since I was so young and his music and image was so controversial in the 80’s (ages 0-5 for me), he didn’t get played a lot around the house besides his standards like 199.9, L.et’s G.o Cr.azy, Whe.n Dov.es Cr.y…
Through the years, music has always been a HUGE part of my life (as with most people) and my parents especially encouraged this in their excellent tastes (I STILL have the same taste in music as they do).
But it had always been more of an external force than one that I could personally relate to. Wide variety that I’ve liked…”fans” of a lot of people…even of the others in my harem, really fantastic stuff, but it’s generally more related to nostalgia, associated to a certain time in my life or just this notion of “hey I really like the painting and have it around…but it’s not really part of me.”
I even remember ranting on this very blog (or a previous incarnation) about being annoyed by these chicks who would post song lyrics about their lame situations in love…now looking back I can say it’s because I didn’t understand. I couldn’t relate.
Honestly I didn’t have a really personal connection to music until Childis.h Gam.bino. I think his work had a big impact on me because it was the first time the words actually spoke to my experience. He had a lot of “outsider” music before and some of the lyrics really felt like they were lifted from my life, like I could have written them myself. He’s resonated hugely for me personally and I have a lot of respect (ha in a narcissistic way clearly… “I respect you because I see myself in you” horrible but true.) This also extends outside of his music to the way he approaches life really, or my perception of how he approaches life.
So yeah that was a thing for several years of my adult life…and then…something happened and that kind of projection neutralized a bit which is fine and well. Still same respect, but humanized in a probably more healthy way.
So since then I’ve kind of been searching. The G.lover thing became more of a peer than a projection..a respect that says “this is someone who was able to accomplish so much because he’s gifted and he figured out how to use his gift in his industry” and less “that’s bae” (lol).
It’s been since then where I’ve kind of lost an avenue or target for projections or theoretical sensuality or not even that but an avenue to clarify thoughts and emotions I have that other people have defined or put into words better than I have.
Until…news of P.rince visiting Atlanta hit.
Literally had a “when Pr.ince comes to Atlanta” set aside money wise for about a year since he announces those shows with quick turn arounds and and tickets are expensive.
Talked about the concert experience…
Talked about the grief that came after he…
Talked about the upswing in infatuation…
Now talking about the impact of what I’m learning.
Today the book I’m reading mentioned this song (NSF.W).
Got hot and bothered (lol) and shared it with a fellow P.rince obsessee.
She then pointed me to this song (NSF.W).
I got emotional… angry and something else I can’t identify. I was overwhelmed.
I actually started to cry and couldn’t read those lyrics without REALLY crying… which is a strange reaction to have as that song is so explicit.
Again I’ve talked a lot about that line he walks between secs and spirituality so well…and how it resonates.
Like he truly TRULY encapsulates how I feel about secs. And have ALWAYS felt about secs.
I hold it in SUCH high regard. It’s EXTREMELY important to me as a mode of expression.
Again not about love and needing to be in a relationship or anything like that.
But his lyrics to me though explicit at times, has such a RESPECT for the exchange, even at its most nasty moments.
He gets it.
My mom called a bit ago while I was writing this entry and I was explaining what I learned to her…and I cried again talking to her like…
All the examples of love or even lust in today’s music or in people’s relationships are HORRIBLE now. It’s selfish and contrived and used as power or possession or objects…it’s not any deeper than a body part or butt or mouth…
But the way he talks about it, it’s almost like he’s worshiping her entire person. The body he might talk about is not separate from a hope that this woman has her dreams, her desires are more than a tongue, it’s what she wishes for..what she hopes will happen, her accomplishments, her goals…not even related to secs but to her life experience.
It’s life and he lived it so openly and without regret or repression of himself (which we hear a lot), but if he appreciates or enjoys something, he’ll let you know and he won’t hold back in expressing it.
That is SO RARE.
Because people would call that “thirsty” or “lame” now. Because they don’t want to be seen as whatever.
I’m guilty of this too. I don’t want to admit that I want to be loved this way, desperately. I have spent most of my life denying this was ever a hope or desire. I’ve ignored or repressed hopes of being in real love or falling in love, I’ve purposely picked people who I knew were unable or not capable of giving it in the way I really wanted it…because I felt or even sometimes feel like that kind of love doesn’t exist…or like no one would ever love me like that, not because I’m unloveable, but more because people don’t know how to love like that.
I mean is that really possible?
I want someone to say :
So long have I gazed into your eyes
Wonderin’ what they’d look like on a newborn child
I cannot lie when my hand is on your thi.ghs
I’m thinking, isn’t it a miracle that life comes from inside?
~ Let’s Have a Baby
Or be with someone who understands :
This is something every girl should know
Every part of you comes alive when you take it slow
And every nervous twitch that happens when my ton.gue is there
Your lips, up and down your back and every single hair
It all makes up the beauty of your grand design
Every man has got a duty and tonight I want to do mine
~ One Kiss at a Time
Or have someone be truly and deeply interested in me as a whole person and not just as an avenue to please or validate themselves :
I wanna get lost in the composition of you
Let the rhythm play only the notes you want me to
I’m a good learner and once I understand
I’ll stand under you and let you show me
How you want your man to be
I could dance for you a little comical minuet
If you desire I’ll shed my attire, anything to get you w.et
~ Mellow
His catalog is full of lyrics like these.
All these instructions in how to love, how relate to each other, how to appreciate each other and be open.
We ignored it…and continue to ignore it.
Let’s stop pretending.
It’s okay to want this, and it’s okay to be generous in giving it.
