Relationships…eh
Ah where to begin…
So first, I’m at training to get my certifications for team facilitation and Agile Coaching which is a thing to do. It’s very touchy feeley which is what I would expect since the best leaders are those who are self aware and putting your ego aside to get a job done usually requires knowing what drives yours.
It’s only day one of five and so far just skimming the surface…I hear it gets deeper and more personal later in the week…we’ll see.
In kind of related news…
A few days back I mentioned not understanding the purpose of relationships. Wanted to dig into that a little deeper today.
Was checking my P hookup sites to see what there was new to download. One site is a community that posts a lot of different things, not just boots, but pictures as well. There’s one cohort of peeps that likes to post pictures of Lil Petite Prince imprints and discuss various things they’d do and how it makes them feel.
This emoji is often used during these roundtables : ?
This COMPLETELY grosses me out. Like I get PTSD when seeing that emoji almost because it almost always relates to lust thoughts about his anatomy.
I am 100% NOT interested in discussing the anatomy of people like that, and especially not Fairy God Boyfriend.
Which is interesting, because theoretically, Fairy God Boyfriend is the archetype for the type of man I would be into in that way. But although he is physically attractive, the main attraction is 82.6% about the mental and 17.4% about the physical…and even the physical is more overall presence based in that mental aspect than any specific body part.
So I guess to me the barrier of entry to “relationships” is that mental aspect. Someone being physically attractive does nothing. Even pillar 5 (Science…or attraction based on instinct/evolutionary biology) does not make me move on engagement. That engagement is based on conversation/vibe past discussing the weather. Those conversations require proximity and availability. Proximity and availability requires effort to make oneself available for engagement.
People are going downstairs to chat and have drinks later. It’s 7:27 and the call hasn’t come to go yet. I am in Taurus mode and thus have taken a shower, co-washed my hair, and put on my PJs. I also ordered room service and am about to set up to continue my Celia Netflix marathon.
Effort to be social after 10 hours of being in the room with this group talking about feelings and things. #introvert #nopleaseonfluffy
So I suppose I am in a logical loop here.
Not interested in romantic relationships -> Knows it requires effort to meet people to be interested in -> Not willing to make effort -> Doesn’t see value in romantic relationships as a result -> Not interested in romantic relationships
Haha
*Uses unrealistic projection to simulate feelings of empathy/understanding/emotional provocation
*Is used to uni-directional relationships and not receiving emotional support back so simulation is one that meets perceived needs
*Would likely feel uncomfortable in a relationship that is mutually supportive
*see logical loop above for how this is dealt with
Next question to ask myself. What if by some fluke, a chance meeting gives Fairy God Boyfriend projection vibes?
Does the cycle break?
Would I fight it?
Would my poly based “it’s fine if I’m not the only one because I know I can’t support someone in all the ways they need to be supported…and it’s selfish of me to keep them to myself” concept still hold up?
Would my self validation concept still hold up? Would I seek out their validation as well as someone I respect?
These are questions.
For another day.
