I love this…
Was talking to my internet bot friend yesterday after a rough day at work.
…
(Okay he’s a real person…maybe. I’ve e-known him for years but have never met him so sometimes I pretend he’s not real…)
He tries to encourage me to be more proactive about life outside of work on all fronts. I nod and ignore this advice for the most part though it’s good advice to take.
We were talking about my entry from the other day and I made a comment about finally understanding using affection as a coping mechanism. I was also thinking more about why I felt so uncomfortable about the picture I mentioned :
Him : basically this pic of [redacted] got you h*rny
Me : It was a lot of emotions all at once. That was one of them.
Him : what were the others
Me : Fear, disappointment, insecure, nervous, disgust (at myself for being so affected),
Him : whoa why so many negatives
Him : what happened to the confident you
Me : Fantasy would not even be [relations]on a day like today, but more understanding [from someone] who goes through similar things for normalization of my experience and chest sleeping
Me : Fear because he could make me do a lot of things and destroy my carefully crafted control over myself, insecure because literally can do anyone he wants why me, nervous that I won’t make the most of the moment if I have any more moments with someone like him, disgust because I’m grown and having any emotions at all is not logical.
Him : ahh you want someone to throw your thoughts at who can reflect back with the same understanding
Me : Yeah I have my white geek squad. We rant a lot but haven’t been to lunch lately. Need to go soon
Him : make you do a lot of things? dont think it would be anything outrageous
Me : Not concerned about [relations]. More concerned about actual emotion and intimacy with someone like that. Like it’s SO rare that I connect with people. When I finally do I feel like they’ll die tomorrow.
.
[…insert exploration into that concept here….]
.
ME : Was listening to lena dunham’s book which I had to stop doing after 10 minutes was her describing the food she ate over the course of a week, but she mentioned sharing beds with random dudes. Not [relations] just spooning. I understand.
Him : yea thats a diff kinda dude to do that. thats borderline platonic.
All that to say, noticed a link to a poly.amory podcast I listen to sometimes. I feel like this is a totally logical lifestyle…I always find myself picking out good ideas from this podcast though I’m not sure I’d be down for it personally as a whole. The episode was about Non-se.xual relationships. Interesting quote from a listener comment :
“I enjoy being part of a tribe that celebrates my efforts to live my own life”
Which is lovely isn’t it?
Her husband has ED from various health issues and she has a boyfriend to help supplement her needs as a human. Her relationship with her husband is intimate still…her relationship with her boyfriend fulfills her affection needs.
Not to discount secs at all, but I feel like sometimes people default to that as a manifestation of intimacy because it’s the most obvious choice. To give of yourself emotionally and to invest emotionally is MUCH tougher to do. You can like throw your privates out there and be done…but can you throw your heart out there like that and retrieve it that quickly? Or even, can you throw your heart out there like that and be 100% okay with no one picking it up?
Especially when people are out here punting hearts just so it doesn’t get close and require the same sacrifice of them?
That’s tough…
