Insert Token
PTO self care day today.
I have a migraine starting after quite a while of not having any which usually is my body’s way of telling me to cool out since I won’t otherwise.
I think I’m encouraging my tokenism.
I know it’s a good story to tell if you’re an underrepresented group in an institution, but that whole thing still rubs me wrong.
Elementary/Middle school I was one of a few Black people…and was the only Black girl for several years.
I was also cute and could sing okay so I got all the solos. #Diversity
High school, slightly more diverse, but still the only Black person in honors classes. Trotted out in school marketing materials.
College, most diverse place (at 4%-ish Black), again with the marketing materials.
Work, recognized for minority related things (Black En.gineer of the Year Awards thing)…that pandering was so obvious, it was a little embarrassing…
Got tapped again today…there’s a new thing at work where we can log time we spend developing ideas, which is mostly something I do daily as I’m growing my capability down here. Having meetings with potential clients, making intellectual capital to share (briefs, slick sheets, presentations, proposal copy, etc.), searching for talent through head hunter agencies, developing training for my people, all after my actual 9-5 work.
Apparently I’m logging the most hours in the Systems Developm.ent silo we have, so I was interviewed for a feature that will be reviewed by partners and is going out to the entire firm. They made it sound like it was an honor and that I should be congratulated…and also asked for a picture…
Again…a good story to tell…
I’m usually skeptical when I get recognized for things.
Is it really because I deserve it on my own merit, or is once again because you like what I represent?
Also, it’s like you’re recognizing me because I’m obsessed with my job and have horrible work/life balance because I put my career before everything.
My professional reputation is that I do the most and will probably burn out at any minute. (Passed by the office of someone two levels above me yesterday and he told me this).
Again, even at work, I apparently represent a lot of ideals, and people want to associate with me because it reflects a positive image of their own identity…but what about me?
What about the person who on the surface seems like she’s very calm, has it all together, and photographs well as a young looking Black Woman, but underneath is making dozens of calculations every minute, planning, making contingency plans, obsessing over people having what they need, having anxiety over things I can’t move forward that are out of my control and feeling like it’s my fault anyway…
No one really asks “but how are you as a person” it’s more, “how can we encourage and optimize you to provide even more benefits to us without making you want to quit from overwork?”
Which again should be their aim since they’re not my friends, but when you don’t really have that release valve outside of work from someone who isn’t obligated to ask (ie. family), then it feels like you’re carrying a lot on your own, always.
Need is a strong word…
Rely is a strong word…
But if someone who REALLY knows you (good and bad parts), says “you are doing a good job” or “you look nice today” or “you’re effing up right now” or “about this hair situation you have going on…”
It’s so impactful. Especially if they have similar standards of living (from a character standpoint…again why those pillars are so important. I only care about your opinion if you have similar standards of performance and values).
I know and believe I’m good at what I do.
I know and am capable of being a generous and thoughtful girlfriend/partner/wife.
I know people know these things about me as an ideal.
At work, I feel like I’m more comfortable there because even though the token thing is in play at a higher level, there’s feedback/validation from a tactical standpoint. Like the only reason why the token thing is there at all is because I’ve consistently proven myself as competent enough to bet on.
Outside of work, I don’t feel like I have really gotten real positive feedback/validation from other people. I feel like it’s always been that reflection idea…not so much me as again what I represent or what I reflect. Not to say that I’m less confident because of this, it’s more that I put myself in situations where I know I can feel valued…and I attribute value to myself by adding value to other things.
This way of thinking makes non-work relationships difficult because I have this thing about me where I feel like I need to add value somehow…and that’s not really what they’re about. I also have this aversion to such things because I don’t want to feel like I HAVE to add value in order to be appreciated. I want to be wanted because of who I am and not because of what I do.
I don’t know how to reconcile this.
How do you just be?
How do you assert your identity rather than being a blank canvas for people to project things on?
How do you attract someone who just likes you and wants to spend time with you?
And it’s not even about relations or relationships or potential anything.
I just want to sit here in this moment and enjoy this second with no other agendas…I’m just here with you now while life happens.
Dassit.
