Is This Thing On?
Man…it’s been a while, huh?
I’m going to get better about writing here. I’ve been in a haze for sure probably as a result of not emptying out here.
One thing though that’s been swirling…entitlement and the audacity to try.
My assertiveness, as I suppose most people’s assertiveness, depends on how confident I am in whatever I’m going after.
I know what I know, and I know what I don’t.
I’m pretty assertive when it comes to the things I know (mostly work related stuff within my wheelhouse)
I am extremely passive about things I don’t really care about or value (social status, comments on how I look, flirting, ha mostly social interactions).
As a result, in social situations, people label me “shy”. I’m really not. I just don’t talk unless I have something to say…and don’t really do small talk so not really interested in people’s kids, their shopping trips, sports, or whatever common topics people bring up to find common ground on (lol).
I’m also REALLY not susceptible to flattery, like at all, especially when people comment on how I look or the inevitable “why are you single you’re x,y,z….etc” questions that for some reason often come from married dudes?
I digress…
So sometimes I want things that would require me to be socially oriented.
Again, at work this is easy. I can easily shift into that mode or at least consider being empathetic to grease the poles (is that the saying I can’t remember) and get what I want, but outside of work…it seems so much more…inauthentic?
Like I was reading this groupie book (upshut) and she seemed like a rather shall we say “shallow minded” person. Frequented the Park/Glam Slam a lot…went to a lot of concerts and after parties. Was even offered free tickets to any of his concerts back in 92 or so. P’s bodyguard gave her a tootsie pop once at an after party…instead of using it for purposes as it was an invitation of sorts, she took it home and framed it. Also once asked for a bottle of water he drank from. AND SHE STILL HAS IT WTF. He open legged stared at her once for an extended amount of time…a legitimate invitation… at another party, at several in fact as that was a thing he did. For reference :
AN. INVITATION.
SHE DID NOTHING ABOUT IT JUST GIGGLED/GOT NERVOUS AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM INSTEAD.
Time traveling KaNisa would have had a time with a 1992 P…just saying.
I digress again…
Reading about how she got close enough to do any of this… it required her to be assertive backed with a sort of entitledness to make herself stand out. It seemed obnoxious : shouting out bodyguard names and acting familiar with them (did this often…they ushered her crew in when it happened), cutting in line to get to the front of concert crowds (P reached out to her/gave her tambourines…taking it out of others’ hands to make sure she got it even), making P quilts and things running down his people to make sure he got them (he shouted her out at a concert after shading her at an autograph signing), writing him letters to be passed through bodyguards (he passed her one back at a club), asking him to dance at the Park…(and he did…and they didn’t really talk…and seconds after he left her she giggled about it with her friends WHEN SHE WAS 30+ WHO DOES THAT etc.) but it all worked. She only got personal time with him once for like 45 minutes…talking at the club, and it was like 4 years after she’d been stalking following him….but still….she had tons of chances THOUGH SHE DIDN’T REALLY TAKE THEM AT ALL BUT HAD THE NERVE ENOUGH TO HAVE AN ATITUDE WHEN HE GOT MARRIED?!
He’s really great at creating devoted fans.
But yeah…
Fortune favors the brave, but does it have to be so cheap?
I feel like I can leverage things, but it just seems so…cheap to do that.
Maybe I don’t want those experiences I allegedly want after all…
