Dichotomous KaNisus
Well happy charter day…I guess.
After today, even I had to have a drink…
A whole lot of unnecessary drama today with probate shows, disrespect, pettiness, and whatever else, but I don’t even want to talk about it.
Just one more day and it’ll all be over…
In other news…Dichotomous KaNisus
So I’m thinking I might make my Lryic persona represent not only my sensual side, but my Aries fire side…kind of like the dual catwoman thing. As catwoman, she was witty, independant, confident, naughty…yeah, that’s Lryic. So going on this…
KaNisa says…
I need some self-confidence.
Looking at some of my line sisters yesterday, especially one in particular I was like, wow, I wish I had her hair or her breasts. At the mall today I was like wow she dresses so well or she has the perfect ass… Even personality wise, I was just gushing about my spesh and how phenomenal she is. I feel as if I’m always like, I wish I could look like that or be that way…or if someone doesn’t validate me in some way I don’t feel…I don’t want to say I don’t feel like I’m worth anything because that sounds terrible, but in reality, that’s pretty much the truth…if someone doesn’t validate me in some way I don’t think I’m worth anything.
And that’s really terrible.
And it impacts so many facets of life.
As far as relationships go, stepping back and looking at myself, if I were a dude, would I date me?
Probably not. I might think hey she looks okay, but she seems unavailable somehow or maybe she seems really innocent and like she’d be needy or something since she’s so inexperienced.
As far as sorority things go.
I was always known as the shy/nice/cute/small/quiet girl. I’m definitely not that now. I have a line sister that has that down pat. Standing next to her makes me feel really awkward and ugly.
With friendly relationships
Since I don’t really have friends like that, I’ll just refer to the soror group. Some of the things they say, could be something so little, but it can really rip me apart.
I mean those are just a few things, but to think this way is so wrong on so many levels. It’s weird that I can recognize that it’s wrong but still feel that way though. I shouldn’t base my confidence on what other people think, I should believe in myself and in my own abilities…but for some reason, I just don’t.
And I don’t know why.
There’s too much reflection going on lately…I’m really fucked up.
***
Lryic says….
Yesterday I wrote about how people made me question myself when it came to my ex.
Today some people made me feel really inadeqaute because of how I appear to others.
My mother was just saying how I take my prophyte’s word as bond.
When the fuck did I let someone tell me who I am and how I should live my life?
With my ex? Who are you to tell me that my feelings for him were misdirected? Sure bad times SUCKED but the were so many good times, that if given the chance to go back and do it all again, I would. I loved my ex and still do and I believe in my heart that at some point he felt the same for me. How dare you say that didn’t count for anything. You don’t know what our relationship was like. You weren’t there. You couldn’t possibly understand something you were not a part of. The only people who have the right to say anything about anyone’s relationship are the people that are in it. Yes I’ll probably always carry a torch for him. Yes I know he’s getting married to someone else. Yes I think that SUCKS but you know, if that’s what makes him happy, then that’s what I want for him. I want him to be sucessful, make lots of money, have beautiful children, and be totally satisfied by his loving wife because when you love someone, you want what’s best for them and you want them to be happy. Go ex! Get yours!
So you think I’m quiet? Really? Why do you think that? Is it because the athelets don’t know me? Sorry I don’t feel the need to jock them. Throwing a football or dribbling a basketball does not impress me. You aren’t there when I go in the BSO office and hang out with the students there. You aren’t there when I have meetings with other Greek leaders that aren’t even a part of NPHC. You aren’t there when I go to student leadership retreats to meet and network with other campus leaders. I’m not out? Really? Where are you looking because clearly you’re basing that on nothing.
With people telling me about myself…please. I may have trusted you with my life for a bit, but you truly do not know me. You do not know me outside of the context of our assoication and you really never will. I do not let people talk to me any kind of way and let it slide. I may not be the most social person ever, but I do know how to speak. Do not force me to be something that I am not. If you don’t like the way I am, then oh well, I’m not changing to be something someone else wants me to be. I can only be me.
Sit and spin bitches.
Man KaNisa, remember how you were when you dated ole dude? You were like fuck what everyone says I’m doing what I want. When things were going down with some organization that conflicted with what you wanted to do, you were like, fuck you I’m out. When you wanted your version of “getting some” from dude, you took that and made it yours….getting creative and shit sometimes…. When you got mad with him about some “randumb” thing, an email with a lot of atitude ensued. You really didn’t take shit from anyone and went after what you wanted. That was one of the most important things you learned when you were with him.
You were like spitfire.
Where is that fire now?
You’re attracted to this new dude? No one said you had to marry him. Just have fun.
Stand up for yourself when people try to call you out. They don’t know you like that, prove them wrong.
Take your life back KaNisa. Own it.
Lyric out!
