Writer’s Block
I really don’t have anything to say today, or maybe I do, but I don’t want to say it.
Do you ever have days were life is just not cool? It’s kind of like a cycle, you have your good days and your bad days…my current state of “bad” could be just me PMS, but it has been kind of rough lately…
But let me stop with that as then I’d get in to what I don’t want to say.
I fell asleep around 7 last night and woke up again around 11. After watching some adult swim and some Golden Girls, I poked around the innanet to pass the time. I’ve left the facebook world as the spam is not appreciated, which should cut down on traffic, but I don’t really care. At least now I can be more honest.
…
Eh, forget what I don’t want to say…it is my blog after all.
The following is written at a time of low self esteem. It explains a lot of things about me, but may not be for those who read blogs for entertainment. You have been warned. In fact just skip it. It’s kind of pitiful…
How many people are truly satisfied with their lives? And for the people who aren’t who’s fault is that?
Relationships with Males
My “Romantic” Relationships
I looked to the ex to fill what I didn’t have from my father, and he did for a while. I changed from the most cynical and distant person in the world to someone capable of open love and affection. I placed complete trust in him, was 100% loyal and went out of my way to make him feel special. Though I thought I was being the most loving and supportive girlfriend I could be, it wasn’t enough. He just wasn’t there emotionally. We got along extremely well and could spend hours together doing nothing and still have fun. We had the same interests, same goals for life, same appetites everything, but something was missing. We had discussions about that dynamic, about how I felt I wasn’t really feeling what was understood to be there, and he just said he wasn’t that expressive. I accepted that and chalked it up to males showing how they feel through actions rather than feelings. However, I later found out that it wasn’t that he wasn’t emotionally available, he just was emotionally un-available to me as he was then occupied by an ex he proposed to a few months after we broke up.
Since then I’ve been unavailable myself. There were a few forays, but none were of any consequence…one was a mini version of the ex situation, the other just…nothing. Now I can’t even imagine anyone being interested in me with the issues I have…
My Relationship with my “father”
I always blamed my lack of social skills, self esteem, or even respect for males on my “father” though I need to move on from that. It’s hard to learn to be confident and assertive though when you’re constantly told that your opinions aren’t wanted, that you’re a constant disappointment, and when the male influence that you grew up with is one that is unaffectionate and emotionally taxing. If all you know are emotionally unavailable male figures, how can you deal with them healthily?
I can remember even when I was little I was scared of my father. Whenever I heard the car pull into the garage, I’d always be scared to know what kind of mood he was in. I can’t specifically remember anything that he did then, but I do know my parents were going through at tough time in their marriage around the time I was born.
It’s always been a house rule not to speak unless spoken to. I think this came from “father’s” family work gatherings and other workers’ obnoxious children. The sharing of opinions was never welcomed as whatever “father” said was law. I never grew out of that, still quiet and avoid conflict today.
Skipping ahead a few years, school starts. Anything less than 100 on the report card warranted corporal punishment courtesy of the family belt and or an equally hurtful tongue lashing. My mother says I got the academic pressure the worst because I always did better than my sisters without much effort. I remember when we lived in Mississippi and I brought home an 86 in Algebra II (86 was a C), all hell broke loose. My “father” cursed me out, constantly said I was stupid, cursed my mother out, etc. It was 10th grade. My first B. I eventually graduated though in the 10 ten of my class and went on to Georgia Tech with a scholarship, although you’d think otherwise with the way my father views things…
Skipping to college. Had a bad time the spring semester of my freshman year. My mother and I never told my father. My scholarship was good until after fall so we thought I’d be able to be right again. Last spring, a year after that bad semester, my father somehow found out about it and it was a repeat of Algebra II times 10. He said I had my priorities mixed up, that “wild” “going clubbing” and doing things I wasn’t supposed to be doing. (Reality check…me clubbing and doing things I’m not supposed to be doing? I’ve been to the club maybe 3 times in the past 21 years. My most social semester was the year after the bad semester when I was either playing Sims by myself in my room or in my boyfriend’s room vegging. When we did go out, it certainly wasn’t anything wild. It was maybe going to movies, to the driving range, or to the Tennessee aquarium. I’d hardly call that “wild.”) “Father” pretty much said I was worthless and made me quit my job to come home to do nothing. No job, no classes, nothing. He also refused to pay for me to go to college. It was a summer of constant berating and being told what a worthless person I was.
By the way, all this was happening while I was trying to process the fact that not only did my boyfriend, the person I cared for the most and the only male who ever told me I was worth something, not want me, but he quickly moved on and didn’t think enough of me to let me know that he proposed to someone he was involved with while we were dating. I mean, we talked on the phone for hours daily…but just a state away, he was getting ready to marry someone…and I had to hear the news from someone else.
Very, VERY harsh self esteem killers.
This summer has been better though. Whenever “father” comes home I just do the traditional kiss and leave the room. The job also helps as I usually leave before he comes home and come back late when he’s about to go to sleep. Sometimes I even have days when I don’t see him.
Being Social in General
I’m envious jealous of people who can go out with their peers. While at home, I don’t know anyone. I guess my social outlet could be my job, but outside of helping customers, that’s about the only exchange. The calls I get are job related or someone from the Sorority calling about some new thing to make me feel even more inadequate. Sisterly indeed. I’m not looking forward to another semester of tactlessly being told how I need to change in order to fit someone else’s idea of what I should be.
That’s another story though.
I used to rely on the ex to be my social outlet, even after the supremely obvious display of why that dead horse should stay dead. It was hard though when he was the only person in my life that accepted me for whom I was and liked me anyway. He was interested to hear my opinions, thought I was attractive, and made me feel good about myself. He’s (rightly) become less and less available though as his wedding approaches.
Now, as sad as this sounds, I live out my social life through my imagination…reading books, people’s blogs, and even with my Sims. Nobody calls to say, “hey KaNisa how are you?” and there’s no one around to be like, “hey let’s go do something.”
And I’m not the type to randomly call someone I hardly know and say, “hey what’s up.”
So it’s a bit like a cycle. Even at school it’s this way.
I really just want to hurry and graduate so I can throw myself into work. At least then I’ll be too busy to even think about relationships, friends or otherwise…
