Lightbulb Moment!
I have reasoned it out!
So like I said, I’ve been mulling over different ideas recently as they relate to relationships of all types (Work/Career, friendships, situationships, romancinships, etc).
Also as talked about in the last audioblog, I’m waffling on the whole importance of the pillars as well…wondering if they are too strict, or really what the purpose of them are.
I’ve always been of the notion of “I want you to want me because you like ME, not just because of what I can do for you”…but I recently thought of that idea in a slightly different way :
I want you to want me because of who EYE am, not because of what I REPRESENT to you.
Think on that a moment.
…
…but yeah. Slightly different way of thinking that really gets at what my issue has been.
It’s never really about the person, or job, or institution, or brand…it’s more about how that “person” or “thing” contributes to your identity.
I’ve said before that when you admire something, it’s because you see yourself in it. Really all the things you stan for have a pretty substantial narcissism component. That something offers a mirror of your self image and you like what you see reflected back at you.
For me, I know that’s why I’m so about my career. I can consistently establish myself as a competent, dependable hard worker. I’m known as everyone’s go to person because I get isht done quickly and with high quality. I’m known to be sharp and about business…people don’t half step around me because they know they’ll get called out…but they also appreciate that. I get some sort of joy about working 60-70 hour work weeks…maybe even want the “poor KaNisa she’s working so hard” comments. My ego is somewhat rooted in being that person everyone counts on…and being a star/hero because of my work ethic. My job allows me to see that image of myself.
For my geek squad. I mean I call them “geek squad”. I like to be associated with really smart people. The kind of smart people who hold themselves to higher standards…and honestly do kind of look down on people who aren’t as enlightened. I also find some joy out of having mostly dude friends. I am almost always around all dudes in work and social life…really smart guys who are otherwise asexual as far as I’m concerned.
But for potentials…potentials are different. I now absolutely buck against the reflection concept in this area…because with these dudes, I’m not looking into a mirror anymore, I’m other people’s mirror. That’s not something you can really build from or with…having the foundation of a relationship coming from you picking and choosing aspects of this other person to vault your esteem from. You’re not accepting that person as they are…you may not even like them. Their whole identity or your whole association with them is just you considering how they impact you.
How crazy and self-absorbed is that?
I feel like most relationships are like that too. (And I sought out being a mirror for most of my exes…because I provided value there…I thought that was my role.)
Now I’m sitting here wondering if anyone really liked ME…or if they kept me around because of what I represented to them.
Wild!
But yeah…I think I get it now.
Pillars are still a way for me to quantify a person (that sounds weird, but whatever). But those pillars are qualities a person needs to have in order for me to trust and respect them as people. Not what they represent, but who they REALLY are…as people.
Those will stand.
I don’t know if one could totally divorce the idea of seeing yourself in others from engaging them in relationships as that is somewhat necessary for empathy and stuff…but I feel like that should not be the main reason why you pursue an association with said person, place, or thing.
Take off the rose colored glasses and see the person, place, or thing for who or what they REALLY are.
Much deeper appreciation that way.
Much more real.
Edited to add : ABSOLUTELY guilty of this re what happened last week by the way. I’ll own up to it. I think THAT was what didn’t sit right with me.
