Lesson…learned?
So there’s things about relationships.
Things about starting them…ending them…starting new ones.
In theory, there should be some time spent in between…doing HONEST self reflection about why your last one did not last, and what your part in that was.
As for me and my house…I do spend a lot of time thinking about that…and the further I get from that termination the more internal that focus turns.
True that the other person could have done this, that, and the other…but the constant in that is YOU and what YOU allow…the fact that you in some way condoned them doing this that and the other…because you stayed and or did not communicate the type of feedback they needed to understand how unhappy you were.
For me, this year in relationships I noticed I don’t harbor any bad feelings toward those guys, technically. In fact, I still really like Young Grasshopper a lot. He’s pretty amazing. The other ehh…yeah sunglasses are off with that one and most of that exposure is via his repulsive troll comments on black boy blogs…that despite their troll-ness still reflect the train of thought that was present in our relationship …so yeah that’s become an actual dislike thing…
But still, at least some of that dislike or even a good amount of it is more of a side effect or ego thing. It’s that I dislike the person I was when I was with them…and they are living evidence of someone who knew me and what I was like and how weak I was during a time I did not think much of myself…
…if that makes sense.
Like for a relationship that lasted years and knowing that I wasn’t happy for a good chunk of it as I never really felt like there was any solid foundation between the first half being about different definitions of boundaries and the second half being about having no plan for the future…it’s a Taurus’ worst nightmare. Security is our middle name.
Then for a whatever that lasted a few months, engaging in something I knew wouldn’t last for long term and doing the “enjoy it while it lasts” thing just didn’t seem right either. Like I’m either 100% or 0%. The experiment in 25% or even 50% with knowledge that the other chunk wasn’t going to happen…I just can’t…and especially with someone who truly was a great guy. It’s not fair. Let him free.
Then there’s the whole expectations thing.
I kept doing all I could to convince Frog that I should be a priority and I should be supported in the way I supported him…but he doesn’t think like that. And it was actually okay that he didn’t have same definition of support. It was up to ME to accept that and figure out if I wanted to deal….just happened a year or two too late when I came to that decision…Out of left field when you start tossing out expectations 3 years in.
Then for Young Grasshopper. Young Grasshopper is 23.
Not 28 (like me)
Not 30.
23.
Young Grasshopper at 23 is exactly where Young Grasshopper should be at 23.
Even further ahead than people 10 years his senior in some ways.
He was not someone to be fixed or upgraded into a 30 year old 23 year old.
He was Young Grasshopper doing what he’s supposed to do at age 23.
So yeah…that test to see if I’d learned the lesson of projecting expectations on others was failed once again.
So where does that put me now?
Still…I need to understand that people are people. I have to see people as they are and decide if that’s someone I can see myself with. Not in a “for now” way…and not a “well maybe in a year or two they’ll…”
No.
At this second…in this moment…is this person your person?
If the answer is no? Drive on.
And don’t entertain in the meantime shenanigans that lead to blurred lines and massive guilt.
Now all the residual stuff that happened this year and the stuff going on with my sister’s marriage has made me very pessimistic when it comes to relationships. It’s people my age who have warped (to me) versions of what relationships should be, people super young who actually have a healthy view of relationships…but have other stuff going on that taxes the overall compatibility…or 40 year old versions of the first group who are looking for a younger women to fix their lives…
I refuse to give up though. I KNOW there’s some guy out there who is the right combination of the ingredients for the once and future king of KaNisa land…
Thinking maybe I have to work on myself some more before the right “come hither” KaNisa formula is emitted from an emotional/confidence/external persona standpoint…
100% true that you have to know yourself/love yourself/stand up for yourself… to be a healthy person in a duo. Otherwise you’ll get emotionally railroaded and it’s pretty tough to recover from that.
It’s where the bitterness/walls come from…
