First Loves
You never truly get over your first love. Mine isn’t so far in my past. We still speak occasionally, but I definitely know we’re drifting apart. I knew it would happen one day, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less.
I say that I’m not still in love with him, and I’m not. A relationship with this person would absolutely not work. We were very similar in many aspects, but where we differed were in some pretty cruical arenas. I still do love him though and probaly always will. He changed my life.
When we dated, we had a relationship that we knew would end one day. I was always really good about cherishing moments, like when we’d be doing nothing really, I’d try to close my eyes and make a memory. I always watched him sleep, memorizing his features so I could imagine him when we were apart. Sometimes he would even catch me watching him while he was awake, which was a little weird I admit, but usually I was just marveling at how someone could make me feel they way he made me feel, not even in a bad way, but a good way. He really did make me feel alive, and so confident and, just so many things.
He was also the first one to really make me question myself. I had all the ideals and this huge, “I don’t need a penis (subtext: male). I’m going to be independent and have a fantastic career. I’ll be traveling so much, I won’t even have time for a family…” mentality. He totally made me change my mind about all that. I used to wonder how any woman could leave her job and follow her man around. Or if she had a great job somewhere, how could she give it up to move and get married…
I totally understand that now.
I feel like he’s really prepared me to experience something incredible with some incredible man somewhere out there. If I’d never been in a relationship with him, I never would have had any idea about how it was to really care about someone and how you could actually want to make sacrifices for them.
I don’t allow a lot of people in and he definitely got closer to me than anyone ever has, family included. I mean, I’d almost take a bullet for him…
Almost…LOL
As much as I care about him though, I’m slowly but surely letting go. Very slowly actually. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to publish some of the things I wrote for him while we were dating, they were so intimate and something I just felt should be between us, but now I feel like I can. Of course they won’t be here as I have an innocent persona to keep up (lol) but I am putting it someplace where people could read it if they wanted. You can shoot me an email if you’re interested.
One thing I wrote was my personal wedding night fantasy. (It’s my dream to make love for the first time to my husband on our wedding night. ) That was a huge deal for me to even think about. Given my “boo penis’s” mentality, I used to be cool with being a virgin forever. When I experienced caring for someone so deeply for the first time I realized that sex is not always just sex. It’s giving yourself to someone, becoming one with them, sharing your soul with them. I understood that and tried my best to articulate what this person inspired in me.
I think that my willingness to share this is a sign of moving forward to some degree. The person depicted in the poem isn’t him anymore, it’s someone in my future. Everything, the lusty adventures, the tender moments, everything will all be reality with someone in my future.
November 11, the day he gets married, will be an incredibly tough day for me, but I hope one day all the preparation won’t be in vain…
I hope that one day, my fantasy will come true too.
…
I swear though, if I die before I get to “do it” I’m taking people out!
