Cooling out
Alight I’m more calm now things are good.
This will be the final entry devoted to this subject just so I can purge the rest of this and get on with my life.
Read the previous entry first if you haven’t already.
Reflecting on this past relationship, I have to say that even though it ended in the way it did, I can’t say that it didn’t include some of the best times of my life. Yes I was ranting and raving about giving and not getting anything back, but there was a point where we did decide to cool it (though that never happened on both ends). I didn’t have to keep being there for them, or supporting them when we said it was no longer necessary. Also, it wasn’t my fault, or my responsibility to make sure he wasn’t alone. That’s an issue he created and has to deal with on his own. Yeah, it was annoying that he was always ready to bail even before that point, and yes it sucked that whenever I needed support, he found reasons not to give it and left me out to dry when I practically walked him through HIS trials when he came to them, but that’s now water under the bridge.
The fact is, despite the bad times, I had a lot of good times during this relationship…in fact, those good times were INCREDIBLE. I fulfilled a lot of my most cherished fantasies and a lot of firsts with him (camping in the wilderness, exploring Savannah, going to jazz clubs, hanging out with a great group with friends…but still having one special one to go home with, and a couple of other firsts that won’t be mentioned here.)
I think though, that I changed myself too much while I was with him, and that is not a healthy thing. I’ve been reading through some old entries, and I noticed that I was so funny, and alive, and even revolutionary! I was 100% about improving my community through service, mentoring, and just being a positive role model. I seemed so well rounded, versatile, and strong…but it was like reading someone else’s journal.
I think that’s quite telling…that I changed so much while I was with GAM, I don’t even recognize the person I was before I was with him. It’s even more interesting that THAT person is the one he’s looking for now, but for some reason, that’s not who I am anymore. I feel like my spirit has been stifled, I thrive when I’m independent, and when I’m in a reaffirming relationship with someone, but when someone tries to change me, or manipulate me emotionally (whether they realize it or not) I react to it in a very negative way.
Toward the end, almost every conversation was him challenging the fundamentals of who I was, whether it was my religion (he was baptized when he was younger, but now he’s anti-Christian) or my notions of love (he believes it’s utilitarian and that romance is an unrealistic “European construct”). Keep in mind, this is the same person who was the most romantic and chivalrous person I ever met…he was even like that just a few months ago! But he’s changed into someone I don’t even know anymore. After a constant bombardment of spirit shaking conversations from a person I thought the world of and would thus respect and believe, I actually started to buy into a lot of what he was saying because it was so rational. He even had me questioning my faith!
Then, I got to the point where my moods were totally dependent on the tone of his voice during our conversations that lasted for hours. It was rare in the last bit of the relationship when he had an affectionate tone in his voice, but those were the times when I was happiest for the rest of the day. More often than not over the past two months I was sad, hurt, or disappointed because he didn’t call, or really do anything to let me know that he cared about my well being. My family even noticed it this Thanksgiving holiday. I was absolutely withdrawn and would hardly speak to anyone because he didn’t call on Thanksgiving and didn’t pick up the phone when I called him.
One day though I was just like, this is ridiculous, this is not healthy and I refuse to spend another second in this “relationship” or “friendship” or whatever it was. I guess me being fed up is what makes me not that upset that this ended. I cried for maybe an hour and that was it…it was for the good times…but even those have been long gone.
It’s strange for me to think of him as part of my past though. It seems like just yesterday when he was snoring in my ear while radiating 100 degree temperatures… (that boy can generate some heat!) LOL. . . Although I always moved away to save my eardrums from shattering, I’d always move back to him in my sleep because I just loved the nearness of him…
*sigh…It was good. I’ll miss him, but I’ll get over it.
