Sometimes shit’s real…
Just reading through that last entry…so many things I said that were so…”me”…
Looking back on this past year I’ve learned so much about myself so quickly. I’ve learned how I am in love, in relationships with females, familial relationships…it’s been a lot to grasp in a short amount of time…
Learned so much with the Sorority. Those females really are like family. Your sister is not necessarily your friend, it’s deeper than that. Only a sister, sorority or blood, can really tell you about yourself and make you really feel it. Only a sister can reach you on a level the everyday person can not.
But at the same time though, sometimes you want someone around who is outside all of that. My entire life outside school and family is AKA. Pink and greek everywhere. Chapter rosters and history on display in the room, nalia on display in my room. NPHC, chapter meetings, parties, citywide commitments, I LOVE my AKA, but I live breathe drink smell eat AKA all day every day! I LOVE my roommates, but they are still my pyrophytes. My line sisters, they are my SISTERS but they are still my Sorors. My acquaintances since freshman year, we were ride or die, but we’ve branched off from each other. I hardly even see them.
Since I’ve joined, I really don’t have a life outside of AKA. I know this is what I signed up for and I really respect everything about it, but just like a romantic relationship, it can be part of you, but it shouldn’t be something that you really need. I feel like it should be, yes I’m KaNisa. AKA is my heart, but I’m KaNisa first. The way it is now, I feel like I’m AKA and have lost KaNisa. Not even in an oh pink and green I have letters kind of way, but in the I am part of such a legacy I need to uphold this legacy and force my AKA nazi feelings on others who may not be as zealous as me. I need to have good grades for AKA not for me. I need to look good all the time because I’m an AKA not because I’m KaNisa.
And I’m drowning as a result.
I wish I had some form of escape. Not even just an outside organization because I’m in a lot of those too, but just someone I don’t have to be a certain way for, I could just be KaNisa. Sometimes I just wish there was someone you don’t have to explain yourself to. Someone who you REALLY enjoy being around, someone who will love you for your bad and your good qualities. Someone you can complain to and not even have a thought about them telling someone else. Someone you don’t even have something tangible in common with, it’s just like you have similar souls…you could just be you and not even worry about your dirty underwear, you could just sit in a room together and not even say anything at all, and yet still feel like you communicated and feel comforted and loved when you leave, you know?
i hear them say it
cuss words ain’t for no lady
but sometimes shit’s real.
I miss that like hell…
Even though I’m surrounded by people, I feel lonely as hell.
And it hurts like hell…
Underneath it all, everyday life is hell.
The person I had that kind of relationship with is not and will not be available to me anymore. As much as I miss him, and as much as it hurts to not have him in my life, I have to accept he is someone else’s and that someone else is his and that I have no claim on him whatsoever.
The next closest person isn’t around. I talk to her occasionally and I know I can call her any day or night. But she’s still my Soror, like a sister, even a friend, but she’s still my prophyte and will have allegiance to her line sisters over me. And yet again, even though I knew her before she was an AKA, it was still AKA that brought us together.
It’s like that xscape song, “Who Can I Run To”? I’m really, seriously drowning.
Does anybody feel me?
