Sometimes shit’s real part II
Back in Atlanta. It was a tortuous ride.
I sped all the way up here with my mother trying to initiate conversation the whole way. She was all, “KaNisa. Please open up to me. Am I smothering you? Why are you so quiet? What’s wrong?”
Then…
“Sometimes I worry about you. When I was your age, I was about to graduate from college and get married in July. You don’t have that option so what are you going to do when you graduate? Get a job? Go to graduate school? I feel like I’ve sheltered you too much…”
We both cried when she left though. Nothing like a Mother’s love…and nothing like hearing, seeing, and feeling how much someone loves you.
Daddy was also smothering last night. It was more along the lines of career than the assurance of grandchildren, but it was still, “what are you going to do this summer? Are you going to get an internship? Can you even get one with your major? Why haven’t you gotten one already? If you don’t get an internship now, you won’t have a job when you graduate…”
As if I don’t think about all of this on my own.
I haven’t really decided what I want to do when I graduate. It all really depends, I really would like to immediately continue with school and get a Masters degree in business, but I also want to move away from my parents. Preferably in New England or maybe the west coast when I get some money.
As far as everything else goes…I can’t believe my mother even mentioned the prospect of marriage. I know I’m young, but it IS most girls’ dream to be married within a few years of graduating from college. The chances of that are looking pretty bleak though since I’ve only had two boyfriends in my life one of which is getting married himself and neither relationship lasted longer than four months.
I’m really kind of scared about that though. I’m really discerning when it comes to that type of thing, but I really do give a lot to relationships…maybe too much. I tend to put people on pedestals…it would be great to be treated the same way, but what are the odds? I’m scared I won’t ever meet someone and be subject to a future of career and nothing else. Every female in my family, my generation down is in this predicament. Wonderfully successful careers, 30+, and no prospect of marriage anytime soon. Why would it be any different for me?
I dreamed about it last night.
I lived in an expensive loft in New York and worked for an Advertising firm there. I had everything money could buy including some fantastic breasts courtesy of Brava. I traveled a lot though and was so busy with work, I hardly had time to maintain friendships, must less anything more. Even though I had everything I wanted, I was still supremely sad because I had no one to spoil, not even in a materialistic way, but in a loving way.
I always spoil the people I care about in that way…
and fill kind of empty when I don’t have anyone to spoil.
Hence the situation a few entries ago.
in a season of
beautiful clowns betrayals
unapologetic
To be honest that whole entry was bullshit. I really didn’t care about repercussions. It was really thinking, “Who cares? I’m getting mine while the getting’s good. Who cares about ‘love’? You can control it and it never lasts…”
But then that thought processes is bullshit too. It does exist. You can’t control it a it’ll always last, no matter what…
to surround yourself with
arms that will not hold you
to dream yourself home
where the road is dust
and dissolves in purple.
Why does everyone have to keep talking about the future? Careers, Degrees, Responsibility, Marraige…can’t we just live for today and worry about tomorrow later?
