Immediate Reactions
WARNING: The following entry was written as an immediate reaction to a prolonged break up. Continue at your own risk.
Today’s Taurus Horoscope…
Venus is the planet of love and business/finance. In this reading, “love” and “business” are interchangeable.
Disheartening news could have you feeling ineffective. Perhaps a project you have been working on for a while doesn’t produce the results you’d hoped, or is made obsolete by a new, better idea. It’s a tough break, but don’t allow yourself to sink into a blue funk, KaNisa. Put it behind you and move on. You will start on a new project soon, and it is bound to be both successful and lucrative!
Anger. No, not anger, PISSED! relief. fustrated. ANNOYED! That condescending laugh, I now know what it meant. I remember when you used it on someone else. Expected. Vindictive. Karma is something else, and it always comes around twice as hard, especially when you think you’re in the right. Benign. “Chocolate European.” Over for months. Wasted effort. SO MUCH wasted effort…so many times when I was his biggest supporter…so many times when I needed it myself, not only to be left unsupported, but to be cut down even more by him. Tired spirit. Pity. Clear sight. “What you have to realize is…” Dispassionate “grief”. No tears.
Sweet, affectionate, caring, giving, open, love for all mankind -> stoic, cold, judgmental, narrow-minded, distant, Judgmental, unappreciative, JUDGEMENTAL
“gam”? GONE!
Lessons learned:
“He is not me”
Don’t punish the current person for your past hurts. Open up. Learn to trust. On the flip side, do not project earlier versions of your partner on who your partner is now to get through the bad times. It keeps you in dire situations far longer than you need to be in them.
“Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”
Do not be the one who always tries to salvage your relationship when your partner always bails at a fork in the road. That is a vary obvious sign. Move on to someone who will be willing to stay and work it out during the bad times.
“In relationships, treat others how you want to be treated. . .but only if it’s a two way street”
While being selfless is an attractive quality, being a doormat is not. If you give and give and give and don’t get anything back, then clearly, they’re just not that into you. It’s time to move on to someone who will appreciate and return what you give.
“Have realistic expectations”
While the fact that I gave so much makes this breakup sting, at the same time, that sting is mostly self inflicted because I recognized when he was backing off, and instead of doing the same, I tried to do more for him. Once someone makes up their mind about a relationship, nothing you do will change it. Do not adapt and try to change to fit into their ideal to pacify your partner. That will only result in building a resentment towards them and cause you to blame partner for things they’re not guilty of when they don’t respond to you.
“KNOW THYSELF”
The #1 rule to relationships. Never lose sight of yourself. You are you. If they don’t like it, someone else will. One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
I’m not sad this time. Wistful maybe, but not sad. I’m not even feeling hurt. This has been over for a long time. He’s a completely different person from the person I knew back in April, or even since I graduated this August. This person he is now is someone I’m not sure I even like. I was so bad about projecting the person I knew from college, the person I saw and spent time with everyday, the person I adored, the person I even loved (though I never told him that). He is just not that person anymore. He has different ideals, a different focus, a different philosophy about life. He’s gotten so deep in his studies in his quest for African enlightenment, he does not have time for anyone or anything who does not contribute or who is not on his level. He is exclusively about African enlightenment, how finishing college will contribute to that, and nothing else. He’s isolated himself in his quest to achieve his dreams and in doing so has now officially and literally pushed everyone, AND I MEAN EVERYONE, that cares about him away.
I’ve really been struggling with this whole situation for a while, to the point when I was having nightmares about it. I felt like I couldn’t abandon him. I always made sure to be there when he needed me, especially when I saw him making up excuses to dissociate himself from people he used to be ride or die with. I fought it when it started happening to me because I felt like it was my responsibility to let him know he wasn’t alone…I would be there to support him when people ridiculed him or to give him an outlet to have someone to talk to. I wouldn’t call him crazy when he talked about what he was learning. I would encourage him…really do whatever I could to let him know I cared about him and would stand by him.
The final leg of the relationship was long distance, but I still made sure he knew I had his back by supporting him in person when I could afford it, and via phone and thoughtful emails. I’ve been making excuses and defending him for months when everyone around me was telling me I was wasting my time with him and that he was obsessed and that I deserved someone who appreciated my efforts. I was even to the point when I thought lack of sentiment was a normal phase of relationship settling…then it turns practical right? Yes it does turn practical, but not like this. My big cause was to not abandon him, but it really does hurt when you’re giving your all to someone who not only doesn’t give even a little back, they also don’t acknowledge anything you’re doing. Enough is enough, even FRIENDS let you know they care. Like Karyn White said, “I’m not your superwoman.” I refuse to do all this for someone who sits and judges me for being me.
He’s not crazy though, he has a noble goal. Too bad he couldn’t see that I would have been his greatest supporter and helper. I hope he finds what he’s looking for.
Breaking it off over the phone really does suck though…
You live, you learn, you get Luvs.
The History
Six Months Ago Today
Sigh*
Simply Amazing
