Love Jones
It’s been one of those nights.
Made a mix CD of neo-soul music last night and was riding around in my car listening to it on my way to sate a krispy kreme feen. Man, shouldn’t have done that.
Now I’m going to have to watch Love Jones and be like “dammm Daaammm DAAAAM!”
*sigh
I have to say, though sometimes it’s rough walking the lonely single road, I know that I am not ready to be in a relationship because:
1. I don’t have time.
I hardly have time for myself so I KNOW I definitely don’t have time for anyone else. When in relationships I tend to devote a disproportionate amount of time to them. It may not be time spent with them, but they are with me always, never far from my mind. That can be distracting when you have 5 million other things going on up there.
2. I have a vice I haven’t quite handled yet
Now this vice I speak of actually isn’t bad, to the male relationship partner anyway. I think because I started so late with intimate interactions I really can’t get enough. Kind of like a Lays potato chip (bet you can’t eat just one…) uh lol ahem.
I’m hearing that it gets worse before it gets better, especially with the peak of feminine sexuality being somewhere in the late 20’s/early 30’s, but still, I have to have some discipline for myself before I can be let loose somewhere where such interactions are “legal” in my mind. (Legal only in committed relationships…and the “ultimate intimate interaction” is still only “legal” in marraige unless I don’t find anyone before the age of 26).
Still though,if I had my way when in relationships, I would see no reason why we should leave the bed as long as sandwiches and waste receptacles are nearby… (see reason #1).
3. People just aren’t ready for my brand of relationship
I require a special type of partner: one that is just as committed as I am. That word commitment means more than loyal it means devoted to making it work. That could entail practices from keeping things spicy, to finding creative ways to let me know they care. Not to say it’s all about me, quite the contrary, I really am the “cater to you” female from that song. I am the cook, clean, roll over, lets you know you are special and appreciated in creative ways type person not because I’m subservient in ANY WAY, but once I care that deeply, it’s just a natural desire than I want to please my partner in any and every way.
I don’t think most people my age or near my age are ready for all that yet. (Circular reasoning also applies here…see reason #1).
4. I’m weary of the vulnerable feeling I have in relationships
I have a kind of persona in this journal. I’m a lot more open and blunt about things. In person, this persona is stunted a little, and in relationships, it’s a Dr. Jekyll Ms. Hyde thing. It’s either extremely superficial or extremely sentimental. (ie. A couple of weeks ago when weather was discussed to avoid having the goodbye conversation with “the ex”. ) In essence, I try to act a lot more superficial than I am in relationships to mask the fact that everything that happens or everything I feel runs incredibly deep. I do eventually say or demonstrate what I’m really feeling though in some unorthodox way though…*chuckles…smh
5. I’m not emotionally strong enough
I don’t feel like I’ve built myself up to be able to handle rejection again.
It’s a very rare occasion when I actually find someone I could be in a relationship with in the first place. I’m the type of person who would never date someone I wouldn’t consider marrying later so when that rare person comes along, they become an extremely important facet of my life.
That’s the reason why “the ex” though he is was an incredible lesson learned, he will always be near my heart no matter what happens. If he’d gotten that loyalty thing down, he’d be the one, but because he never was even 60% trustworthy, I could never go there.
And though the whole situation was not worth spilling one tear over, I spilled many and still haven’t recovered from that staggeringly huge blow to my self esteem.
Almost 22 years, and he was one of maybe two worthy of further employment.
I’m still waiting for my Darius Lovehall….
And man…don’t know about my prospects with the M-soft thing. According to my research, 2 Black people live in the Seattle and Silicion Vallley area combined…lol
And I’m not ready to go all “Something New”…lol
