Situations…
Nighttime can be the most vulnerable time…
I was looking through my MP3 collection for a song of the moment and got caught up in a cycle of sentimental songs. One song in particular I really like, but it makes me…not sad, but…emotional, maybe even upset. The song is Forever, For Always, For Love by Lalah Hathaway.
I love the song. It’s such a beautiful work, but it just reminds me of someone. On one of my better days, I feel like it would be a perfect first dance at a wedding, and even think, “man if I had the money, that would be the perfect wedding gift for someone…hiring Ms. Hathaway to sing at the reception or something. That song describes their situation really well”
…but I’m not that big of a person.
It’s so easy to make up excuses or explanations for why something happened or to justify why something worked out the way it did, but most of the time, I think that’s bull. I am so bad about doing that. I always try to make connections, make up justifications, or have these periods where I’m like, “the situation is handled,” or “I feel this way because of this” or “I’m not in love invested in this situation” When it actually really isn’t handled, I feel what I feel for a different reason, and I’m internalizing a conflict of interests. Lately, my way with dealing with my feelings have been by ignoring them or trivializing them to make them go away, but that’s not really working.
But at the same time, it’s weird, I don’t even know about this situation anymore. I really have no idea. The fact is that when I’m directly dealing with the situation, which is not even that often, I feel nothing or even I feel a bit annoyed? Agitated? Like I’m enduring it but not really getting anything from it? Like “why am I even in this situation?” Why does the situation even care?” I’m all anti-situation.
But when I just think about the situation in passing or when I think about what the future holds, it almost makes me sick.
I don’t understand why. It’s been so long…too long…I don’t even know what my heart is tied to anymore. I don’t even know what the situation is about or even who the situation is.
But the idea of the situation soon being handled permanently by someone else makes me sick.
Maybe I need to take up Tae Kwon-Do again…I’ve got some issues I don’t even know how to articulate…
…
Spaghetti! Spaghetti! Spaghetti! 8 Mile!!! *NSFW
LMAO…there I feel better now…
