Oh right I have a blog, lol…
I’m not even going to talk about how long it’s been since I’ve been here. Quick updates :
Prince thing is still a thing
Since the last post, I have moderated a panel for the PRN Alumni association, co-hosted a Prince Minneapolis NPR radio show, have been on a panel of speakers for a Prince Batman Symposium at Spelman College, and have done a few other things that haven’t come out yet in an official Prince capacity. It’s been an interesting few years for sure!
Work is still work
I feel like I’m in limbo career wise. I’m much better about managing my time and don’t work myself to death anymore, but not sure what the next steps are for me. Right now I’m facilitating large projects for my client and helping with a transition for the way we approach development. (Haha not working myself to death is just leading back to back political projects, planning a very large scale program, helping a client with a huge organizational change shift, and working on two different proposals….an actual slow down of my usual pace….)
Which leads me to…
It’s kind of interesting the way depression shows up in people. I feel like my generation of millennials is all about therapy, admitting we all have anxiety, and feeling like all of this is not something we should inherit from our parents’ generation. Past few years reading all the spirituality books and having the tools to place things in context with my larger existence has made the notion of depression…interesting.
Like I largely know the Prince thing is more of a symptom of something else than an actual thing. I never just LIKE something, I basically make it a job. Did it with Sailor Moon back in the day, did it with Child.ish Gambino, doing it with Prince now…and combining with the books I’ve been reading over the years as well the spirituality/woo stuff and my practicality…(which doesn’t REALLY combine with woo stuff).
It has turned into my ego undercutting my ability to feel joy.
For me depression rarely swings into suicide ideation territory, but it has swung there more often in the past year than really ever. It’s generally just manifests as a lot of sleeping and headaches though.
When P ducked out, it kicked off accelerated development for me as a person. I learned so much more about myself because of how I responded to the things that happened around him. Lots of ego checks, discovery that I have woman parts, having to deal with acknowledge my own insecurities around femininity, and most of all, in summary, realizing that I am in control of my thoughts, my experience, my perception, myself…. SELF AWARENESS AND ACCOUNTABILITY.
That part is the tricky part because knowing and understanding all this, while knowing you can control your life, it also means you are largely responsible for yourself as well. It’s even rougher when you know exactly what to do to help yourself…and even regularly help other people as well…but it’s much tougher to help yourself.
I’m also afraid of enmeshment with things when it comes to Prince especially because I’m 100% sure that was an issue for me for the first 2 years after his passing.
Enmeshment refers to a blurring of the boundaries between two or more people, leading to dysfunctional coping mechanisms, codependence, and even a loss of individuality.
Now, my Prince appreciation sits in a strange place. It’s to the point where I can’t just enjoy because I’m thinking about all the information in my brain that speaks to how whatever I’m seeing came to be, especially from often talking to people who have worked with him. It’s incredible to know what happened behind the scenes and how it’s perceived by the general public.
I’ve said this before, but to me Prince isn’t “magical”, he’s extremely strategic, well rehearsed, well positioned. He’s a person who put A LOT of work into walking in his purpose in a way that is specifically him. Everyone can do this in a way that is specific to their own gifts and I think it’s a disservice to OURSELVES when we place people on pedestals for making the most of gifts we don’t have.
You speak of energy vampires, toxic/negative people who drain/deplete you, all the things you feel are bad vibes…but are you ready to look at how you are giving your power away through worship energy yet? Be it spiritual gurus, celebrities, influencers or whomever.
Time to recognize that the things we positively project onto others are always a mirror showing us what wants to be awakened/embodied within ourselves.
Maryam Hasnaa
I see it all the time in the e-streets, people who are like “you shouldn’t deify Prince”…while also deifying Prince, lol. Folks who listen to him exclusively, folks who go on huge campaigns when they feel his legacy is disrespected, petitions, pitch forks, declarations of love, princed out homes (mine is mostly restricted to one room thank you very much!) people fighting with their spouses because of their love of P, fans fighting among fans and reporting each others accounts, associates fighting with associates for all to see, people in full on relationships with Ghost Prince….
It’s….alarming.
But not specific to Prince.
I see it all across all types of media…lots of triggers, lots of click bait…lots of clothes rending…
It’s…exhausting.
I’m not going to quit being Darling Nisi, but I do need to find a balance in all this. Been phoning it in for a bit and haven’t had a podcast in months. (Which I bet is surprising to people because I’m definitely active on social media as usual…just more out of habit these days because despite this post, I do envy people who believe in “magic” because I just can’t anymore just in general.)
Was talking to some folks that it’s not Prince that makes me want to quit sometimes, it’s the noise around him…and MAN is it loud! It’s why I don’t participate when people start on the outrage campagins…or if I do, I dedicate a podcast to it for the discussion it deserves instead of shouts into the ether that can be misconstrued depending on who’s reading it. I want the space I create to just be informational, enlightening, and educational…a mirror of sorts so people can see what resonates and address what hurts.
And then for me personally, I never want to be indifferent to Prince. The noise makes my ego want to be indifferent to Prince. My ego won’t let me just admit that yes he’s gorgeous. Yes there’s something erotic about him. Yes I’d totally be down to be in the rotation as a girlfriend. Yes watching him be in flow takes you on a journey with him there too.
Because ego is like :
He’s gorgeous because he’s wearing makeup properly and has a symmetrical face with a beauty mark accent)/he’s erotic because he spent literal decades cultivating his presentation/millions of men and women around the world would be down to have an intimate relationship with him, get in line/watching him in flow isn’t erotic, it’s is low key envy to be that in touch with my gifts.
SO
All this to say….
I’m going to read this book.
In A New Earth, Tolle … shows how transcending our ego-based state of consciousness is not only essential to personal happiness, but also the key to ending conflict and suffering throughout the world. Tolle describes how our attachment to the ego creates the dysfunction that leads to anger, jealousy, and unhappiness, and shows readers how to awaken to a new state of consciousness and follow the path to a truly fulfilling existence.
I need better tools to fully integrate myself so that I can enjoy things again…instead of letting my ego intercept anything I find pleasurable as if happiness if even for a moment isn’t okay to experience.
And I need to stop looking for things outside of myself as a bandaid because I don’t want to address whatever else is going on with me because it’s gotten to the point where my go to people or I suppose projections don’t have the same impact.
And again I refuse to allow this to happen with Prince.
