Life Updates
Wow I haven’t updated this blog in forever!
(I feel like I always say that when I write here).
Maybe I should return to writing here regularly…it was such a therapeutic thing…I remember I felt a way when I went long periods without unloading.
Anyway….since I mostly write here for my own reference…
Dear KaNisa,
Right now, a lot is going on.
You’re still working on a project supporting Co.vid-19. It has been going since February. Weekly releases. High pressure. High visibility to support your client. It’s your project. You’re in charge of it’s successes. You’re in charge of its failures. The entire agency is looking to you to do your job so that the country can get the resources it needs.
There’s also an upswing of people being passionate about Black Lives for some reason. While the killings have been pretty regular for the past several years, recent events in combination with people being couped up in the house with Covi.d-19 has ignited a push toward Black Live.s Mattering more than usual. It seems to be something that people feel they CAN control and something they feel they can do something about (unlike viruses).
(Also interestingly, soci.al distancing is less of a priority now).
Also at work, because you have an aspect that supports your client and one related to the company you work for, you’ve noticed that the recent B.LM activity has added fuel to their diversity initiatives. Meetings with a VP and Principal in your leadership chain have been added to your calendar, each twice a month. You’re weary of this…that you’re being positioned to be groomed into a leadership position for diversity points….but also you have imposter syndrome about this because you have ALWAYS been tapped as the “model negro” from age 6. You’re currently struggling with wondering if you deserve to be a leader or if you just fit the profile of the “safe option.”
You’re still doing Prince stuff. Darling Nisi is as popular as ever. You are often invited to add your voice to official Prince things…a promo and now a podcast. Impostor syndrome is kicking in again there. ….you’re wondering why you? You know you’re a “safe voice” (bootleg sharing aside). You’re trying to offer them other voices so you don’t become the go-to Black person….especially since you’re aware of Black people who know WAY more about P than you…
(You also feel a way about that official podcast not being promoted like previous podcasts, but are half okay with it because you’re so possessive about boyfriend during this particular era….Ghost Prince knows so that’s all that matters…plus stuff is rough right now. It would half be in bad taste….though you feel there’s a way to promote it because this particular era of boyfriend is 100% about social justice and racism due to the topics he covered during this time).
You have other stuff going on with family (you know what). Right now you feel like people are doing okay…and hope this will continue to be the case…
Sleep, when you’re able to, is still full of anxiety dreams. They were always that way but are still that way now with everything that’s going on. You don’t have dreams that you wake up from feeling anything other than anxious.
You’re….not doing all that well right now…and are trying to figure out how to maintain a tether to something that is grounded. It’s really hard to be on social media because you keep seeing violent images of things happening to people who look like you…or people saying that your life matters (or doesn’t), or fans for the artist you support as a hobby asking why you keep talking about why your life matters. But you can’t stop looking because you feel like you should try to help people see.
Despite it all, you’re happy and feel blessed that you chose to be a Black woman in this lifetime because….sauce.
Earth school is offering a lot of lessons right now. You’re doing a lot of spiritual bypassing most of the time…but when you hook in….amazing things happen.
Hope you learn to hook in more in the future.
Love you,
KaNisa
