A New Normal?
Daddy passed away April 30th.
I actually wrote a whole long entry about things, posted it, then took it down…within a span of hours a few weeks ago. Reading back over it now, I’m glad I got things out of my brain…and also glad I took it down. Was in a bad place.
Moved back in with my mom to help out the day after it happened. Making quick trips to collect people coming to help and to check on my house in Atlanta. Went to the annual Celebration at Paisley Park. Back with my mom for the foreseeable future. Rinse and repeat on driving people around and checking on my house…
Working the 9 to “5” as well. Happy that I usually OVER do work so doing a “normal” amount of work is only noticeable by me. It’s hard sometimes as my grief in a holding pattern manifests as lack of motivation in all things. I have a list of things I need to accomplish every day work wise to keep me productive there. It has at least 3-5 daily things to do on it instead of my usual 10-15.
For final arrangements, we got the main things handled now (funny how funeral rituals are not for the family, but for everyone else…strangest thing to be running the slideshow and music for my father’s funeral instead of just…)
Other sister handled most of the estate planning. Now just cleaning out the house (Mommy plans to stay here). We also finalized and formalized my mother’s estate, got the paperwork ready should something happen to her. I’m her guardian if she becomes incapacitated. Even her tombstone is paid for and in place just awaiting her duck out date. (She and daddy will be in the same plot.)
Grief in a holding pattern part…
When I am at my parents house, I do not grieve.
Was in a bad place just before I went to Celebration. One of my sisters came to help as well and saw some stuff going down that activated some childhood trauma I’d totally blocked out. She INSISTED that I leave for a while for a break (and for my EMOTIONAL safety), and when I did, the grief came out as uncontrollable crying. Not even thinking about anything in particular. Was in the braiding salon waiting to get my edges redone, crying.
Issues with my rental tesla in Minnesota to where I couldn’t get it…I think that was my folks stepping in to be like “you’re not to fit to drive. Get somebody else to do it.” Was nervous about driving a car like that anyway…
Not even consciously sad about Daddy, we were at peace before he left. He’d been sick for a while (in ways he didn’t even divulge to us). Heart attacks and strokes back to back in his final hours. He’s not suffering anymore.
But y’all know I am very logical about my emotions. “Crimes of passion” don’t make sense to me…neither does “sadness”, “anger”, “frustration” etc. I don’t sit in my emotions like that because I see them as symptoms of deeper issues that should be resolved.
My mother is VERY emotionally expressive.
It’s been….interesting to see her not bury emotions at all.
When she’s sad, she cries. When she’s angry she yells. When she’s frustrated she screams. When she has a thought, no matter the impact of the thought, she says it.
When I am all of those emotions, I am silent and withdraw into myself and sit by myself. I sometimes am not even able to name my emotions, I am just moody. I ABSOLUTELY never share unfiltered thoughts either. I consider what the value/impact of my actions will be on the people around me before I do anything.
I’m sure a more healthy way of doing that is somewhere in between…I do need to speak up, but also be aware of the consequences of doing that as well.
But yeah…rambling…
Am I okay?
I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about how I am…and I don’t feel like I have space to think about it while I’m here.
Daddy doesn’t feel like he’s gone. He just feels like he’s just out of frame. Spiritually, that is accurate. I haven’t fully integrated what that means for the soul currently known as KaNisa though.
Trying to help Mommy learn how to live as a “single woman”. She went from her parents house to being a wife so she’s never been an independent woman, EVER. She’s also in “wife whose kids are grown and can take care of themselves” mode and not really “mother” mode (understandably, we legit are rallying around her to help her get organized and 2 of us have been independent unmarried women our whole adult lives. We’re experts at it.).
Not really looking for someone to “mother” me to support this grieving process…or maybe I am? It is….something to watch her go through this. The notion of having to take care of herself is terrifying to her while it’s a reality for me and one of my sisters. I am not sure what I need as support so I don’t know what I would ask for even if she did.
Maybe some resentment there for me I guess. What’s it like to be looked after or have someone helping/supporting/taking care of you as an adult? “Acts of Service” is my love language, but I tend to be around folks who are more gifts and words of affirmation oriented…my lowest scoring languages.
I don’t need the phone calls, but making sure my yard is handled so the HOA doesn’t get on me would be great. (Mommy’s church members are currently outside cutting the 3 acres my parents’ house sits on…for free.) I need to follow up with my lawn person and pay him to handle my .5 acre yard.
Migraines are back full force…let my mom know during a particularly bad one via text (the house is big) and she told me there were eye masks in the fridge. I’m a whole grown woman who can get my own medicine and mask myself (and do when it’s just me) but…acts of service…can I be babied for a bit?
Or maybe this is part of me missing Daddy. He’d send me articles about migraine relief whenever he saw them….
I need to be careful about transforming my grief into resentment instead of just dealing with my grief.
I feel selfish for being like “what about me” but couldn’t even tell people how to help…and feel like I haven’t done enough to develop relationships with people who would want to.
Weird place to be.
