Control
Pillar check in.
My name is KaNisa [Middle Name Here] [Last Name Here].
And I have control issues.
It is expressed through my difficulty in delegating things to others, my skeptisim upon meeting new people, my reluctance to submit to authority figures (mostly when I don’t agree with them), and my utter disdain for manipulative people (like persistent dudes).
I also dodge confrontation.
I’ll work all the way around an issue to try to minimize my impact as much as possible, only explode in the end…
Knowing this about myself though, I make an active effort to combat my natural inclinations, for the most part.
At work I’ve actually done REALLY WELL at delegating so far this year ignore that there have only been 10 business days. I actually have a “second team” for my main project. I’m the project lead, and a Project Manager and Tech lead report to me. In my role, I’m like the Head Writer/Producer, but the software development version. I set the main story points for the writing team, and they pitch me ideas to flesh it out. I also staff the teams, make sure they’re paid, do logistics, arrange meetings, oversee the cost and schedule….alla dat.
For project 2, I offloaded most of the work to a junior employee. For that I mostly just nudge her in the right direction and she runs with it. I LOVE that I can trust her and she’s autonomous enough for me to do that. This project ends in 2 weeks. It helps when people have a healthy anxiety like imposter syndrome
Project 3 is my “working around the issue to minimize impact” one. They only use me 25% which isn’t a ton…but actually is when you’re 150% billable (ie. doing the work of 1.5 people). I could technically have someone else work it, especially since she’s is prior military in the same division, but that would require doing a lot of paperwork for her onboarding which takes a long time. I know she’d love the work too…but she’s also full time on another project that’s about to have a huge upswing. It would make her 125% billable and not everyone wants to be doing all that…I can’t afford to lose her either…
So there’s that.
On the personal side…yeah need more of a concerted effort to work on this. (Of course the work side is the priority, lol). I admit I do judge the isht out of people. Not in a “you’re a bad person” way, but more a “how much should I invest in you way.” People start from 0 with me, but that 0 doesn’t really mean nothing in a “clean slate” way, it’s more a “you mean nothing to me and I don’t care about you until you give me a reason…and that reason is based on how much I respect your opinion” way.
Of course the respect part relates back to the first 4 pillars (self awareness, self acceptance, authenticity, humility) and I should also note that it’s very possible (and easy) to get back to 0.
Control again.
It’s like interacting with people requires a lot of energy both kinetic and emotional. I know for me I have rather limited amounts of both, mostly because I put so much into my career (and probably don’t eat enough). While I’m balancing that better now, I am HYPER thrifty about the energy I spend outside of that. It’s not that I can’t or won’t spend a lot on people, but I’d rather be choosy on who or what I spend that on. Like I’d rather save up and spend a lot on something that’s expensive and high quality than buy a whole bunch of cheap things that meet the need now but may not last.
That road is lonely, but I FOR REAL do not take issue with it for the most part. This week for example has been super busy. I had a bit of free time on Tuesday and took myself to the movies after work to avoid traffic (finally saw Cree.d!) but other than that it’s been work/home/sleep rinse repeat with a bit of reading in between. I can’t even imagine what it’d be like to be in a relationship right now. I literally wouldn’t have time to hang until maybe Sunday if that…more likely Monday (hey Martin Luther the King)!
So yeah self awareness, I have control issues…but am better about handing that in the work environment than on a personal level.
Self acceptance, until I prioritize my personal life, it will always take a backseat to work, and I’m not willing to change that. Family, a few people from college, young grasshopper, geek squad, and e-family (you group of blog peeps who know about the one in a million incident from last summer) can turn my attention, but everyone else can drive on. This way of life is going to limit my social and peen opportunities, as well as probably close me off to new life experiences…but again, until the alternatives matter….
Or maybe I’ll keep 10% on reserve for new people/things. Emphasis on NEW…and re-calibrate should they pass the pillar trials…
My version of self care : #NoNewStressors
