Resolutions
The New Year is coming up quickly. I think I may try and come up with some resolutions. How do people go about doing such a thing? I guess the easiest way to go about it would be to look back on the past year and see what my mistakes were. Made so many…but no one is perfect…
In 2006, I will stop making excuses and try my best to perform to the best of my ability.
In 2006, I will always put my best foot forward.
In 2006, I will stand up for myself and not let people take me for granted.
In 2006, I will love with open eyes as well as an open heart.
In 2006, I will not settle for less.
That seems like so many changes…ones I’m sure will be broken within the first week…
…
In 2006, I will be more optimistic.
It’s funny, people think I’m the most optimistic person alive, depending on how well you know me. I’m not even sure who my “journal voice” is sometimes, but when people meet me and I like them well enough to make them a irreplaceable person in my life, I tend to place them on a pedestal. I think they can do no wrong and expect them to be the best person they can be. I suppose one resolution should be:
In 2006, I will not hold expectations for others that I don’t even live up to myself.
Reading this journal though, especially lately, you’d think I’m shallow or really cynical…I guess I can be that way sometimes, but I don’t know…sometimes I feel like I have to be that way in order to not be hurt. I know I’m insecure…I care too much about people…and get so incredibly disappointed when they don’t live up to my expectations, or if they don’t do right by even their own standards.
I remember getting so upset about some kids that beat up a paraplegic child for no reason at all…I actually cried and was personally hurt that anyone could ever think that’s okay.
Behind all the smack talking, I really am just a little girl who’s been sheltered all her life I guess…no matter how much I try to mask it, that’ll always show…I don’t know why I try to pretend.
But I’ve been hurt before
The kind that can change a life
The kind that makes a body wary
And I must say that I am taking special care
Not to care so hard
I was reading back over some of the old entries…especially the specifications for my “perfect guy.” Funny thing is, although all that sounded great, I don’t even know if that’s what I really want. In fact, I just don’t know anymore…I say it’s the last thing on my mind ,but I think that’s the “I refuse to be hurt” in me talking. Of course people always want to meet that one person who can completely light up your life with just one smile. I think it’s that I don’t want a meaningless relationship. I want it to be all or nothing. I want someone who understands me so well, I don’t have to explain anything at all. I want someone who would make my heart flutter just by walking in the room. I want someone whose voice would be so sensually melodious, we wouldn’t have to physically consummate our relationship, just his voice and thoughts would be enough. I want someone who could protect me, who would stand up for me, who would respect me…
I don’t want the shallow stuff. I want to care for someone so deeply, I feel like they’re part of me…
of course it would also be nice if he were attractive, around six feet (so the kids would have some hope of having height) and a be a bit athletic in a manly way so I can be manhandled during marathon marital nights of bliss and in a way that would make the haters could wish they had what was exclusively mine…
Ms. Scott has been such an organizer for my thoughts lately…here they are, translated with her words:
…as much as I didn’t want
I have stumbled
tripped
fallen ova myself in love with every molecule of
you
the walk on you
the way you out then in breathe
simply your eyes man
got my thighs swellin’ and my knees beggin’ to part
I do
I do
love everything about you
all that makes you you
and what I do not know, I swear I will love too
If you just show me
I know it’s crazy but I swear
my heart doesn’t pump blood
when you are not near me
I juss walk my way through life comatose
till I hear my name in your key
I juss stay
hoping, wishing, praying for the moment when you say it’s cool for me to give you what I got
cool for me to give you what I keep
cool for me to give you what is fresh behind the apples
and the pears but you don’t
won’t
accept it then accept it then return it
my logic understands but my back is tired of the weight
my feet are swollen and my fingers ache from writing
don’t you see?
i’m willing
willing
to go that extra continent
willing
to carry that extra gallon and love that extra kind
I am placing myself on the table
spreading myself across your bread…
Maybe that’s the problem. I want so much for my relationships to be so passionate, so strong, so intense…is that something that’s even possible to have?
