I think…I might actually be losing it.
Work is always completely ridiculous. Today even more so. Like…Whatever.
It was like a true escalation of f*ckery. I don’t even curse! I’m not a profanity person at all. I feel like those are words that you use because you can’t find the words, and honestly I CANNOT FIND THE WORDS FOR HOW RIDICULOUS TODAY WAS! LITERALLY sobbing in my car the whole way home. COMPLETELY overwhelmed and I don’t even cry like that.
BUT
It got better, in a TOTALLY DID NOT GET BETTER WAY.
So knowing calling my mom on difficult days usually results in feeling worse because she kinda makes it about her…always…I called anyway.
Should have listened to my instinct.
She said she didn’t feel well. Was really quiet. Sounded sad.
More likely, because Mommy, that she was upset about something.
I mean…I honestly couldn’t take much more on. Today has been totally overwhelming and upsetting already I couldn’t…so I “took her at her word” and told her I hoped she felt better…and that I’d call her tomorrow.
Called middle sister to see what was really happening.
Amazing. AMAZING.
In a SPECTACULAR show of ARROGANCE, PRETENTIOUSNESS, and PRIDE, my brother in law, bought my sister a brand new fully loaded Porsche Panamera 4 in cash. Documented on his facebook with 153 likes.
I have questions.
About that town home you live in that barely fits your family of 3 (plus the step daughter on occasion)…
About those tens of thousands of medical school loans she has…
About her brand new 2013 car that she bought for herself…
About your infant son barfing all over your 100k car…
About the fact that “you can buy” her all these things but she calls us frequently because feels unsupported as a person and is basically a single mother…the time she drove herself home from the hospital after having your son because you were too busy to be there…the time she spent christmas morning by herself and with us on a video call because he went to a yoga class? The time she spent her first wedding anniversary alone because he and his daughter went to Boston Market instead? The time he bought her a dog with her money and let the dog sit unfed in feces and pee for week because he thought it was too much work to care for the dog while she was recovering from labor and couldn’t go up and down stairs?
Any…any of that relevant to the decision of buying an 100k premium gas guzzling car?
Is that really a wise….
WT [ENTIRE]F
I PROMISE, it is 0% jealousy. As you know, I am 100% about not being showy and boisterous, it IGGS me to no end because it basically invites people into your business of which it is none of theirs…and it is also ALMOST ALWAYS bragging to cover up your insecurites (See pillar 4).
I would be ABSOLUTELY PISSED AND TAKE THE CAR BACK MYSELF if my husband was so reckless with our money. NO ONE NEEDS AN 100K CAR UNLESS THAT TRULY IS CHUMP CHANGE TO YOU! AND PROBABLY NOT EVEN THEN!
There’s so much wrong with all of that…like it blows my mind.
In a way, I’m almost glad I found out because it made me go from overwhelmed and upset to perfectly incredulous. Like I LAUGHED at how ridiculous this is.
Like “my people” I mentioned the other day? 100% accurate, she is 2 for 3. The family is in SHAMBLES right now. Like legit. We feel like she’s almost a battered woman . My mom is carrying HUGE guilt and thinks she raised her wrong because my sister takes CONSTANT BS AND BLAMES HERSELF but stays anyway. Mommy’s depressed and her hair is falling out. Daddy is afraid for Neo Nephew having that person as a model of manhood…and is super pissy at everyone, taking quips at my mom. Middle sister is PISSED, but being the mediator as middle children do…
And I swear to god… I know she’s my sister. And she’s fallible and I should not project…but I swear I cannot imagine…like what are relationships for? I don’t get them. I don’t understand them at all. They seem so toxic. Work ones. “Love” ones.
Everyone is out for themselves. No one cares about the people they impact.
I don’t get it all….I feel like everyone’s faking this. Like I’m incredibly lonely, but even if you “have someone” you’re still incredibly lonely (see my sister).
I don’t get it…and I’m really tired of being sold these images of romance and acceptance and just appreciation because I don’t think any of it is real. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know how that feels.
I feel like I want that SO much…I don’t know how..
I don’t know.
I hate everyone.
