Cleaning House
Remarkable days lately. I’m still trying to process some things. Even though I said I wouldn’t speak on it anymore, I just need to at least one more time.
I think I deal with things a little strangely. Like I said before, it takes me a while to be truly angry with people, and when it gets to that point, I get a little bi-polar as I’ve recently demonstrated. It’s so strange to go back and read Sunday’s entry because it doesn’t sound like me at all. I remember when people were telling me the things that prompted that entry and I was just like, “oh…” and it didn’t really hit me until I came into my room and sat for a little while.
Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as realities.
At the same time though, I was speaking directly from my heart. I was extremely hurt beyond anything and it all just came out. I honestly wasn’t even going to publish an entry about it, but as I wrote, I got increasingly more upset and the entry just happened…I was really angry and crying in frustration while I wrote it…some people that were in the room thought I’d lost my mind a little…people were even checking up on me up until today…
The hatred of those who are near to us is most violent.
Now though, I’m still mad, but it doesn’t even seem real, this whole experience from the day i first came in contact with that person to now, I feel really detached from it like it’s been a figment of my imagination all this time…but then I know that it has been real because I’m kind of mad at myself for being so angry and for expressing myself that way and I feel strange that I even reached that level of emotion about that person. I honestly have never felt so strongly about anyone other than that person especially on both ends of the spectrum like that…I really do believe that there is a thin line between love and hate or even that there is no clear delineation between them.
You cannot hate other people without hating your self.
People keep saying move on, I don’t know how many times I’ve said that I have and sometimes I actually believe it and sometimes I don’t. I guess I’m searching for ways to find closure…you’d think news of an engagement would do that, or that if people told me some of the things this person did behind my back then it would that, but then even if I dislike or even hate them… hate is still a passionate feeling to have about someone.
A friend sent me this quote today:
The best thing is not to hate anyone, only to love. That is the only way out of it. As soon as you have forgiven those whom you hate, you have gotten rid of them. Then you have no reason to hate them; you just forget.
You forgive….then you just forget….if only it were that easy…
edited to add:
Aw daaaaammmmnnn…
I think I need to wait 48 hours before ever ranting about something in this journal because sometimes you receive information that isn’t entirely backed up by veracity, or at least people try to tell selective truths about situations in order to provoke people to action…ummm…yeeeah…umm…
Either that or people have slick tongues….ummm
I really don’t know who to believe….
Awww man…all to the bad times….
*sigh*
I’m going to remove a few things on grounds that….eh just because it’s my journal and I want to….
