2015 in Review
Been stepping inside of myself a little lately. Doing some routine self-maintenance/inventory.
We had an annual “family meeting” last week where we talked about what we’d accomplished this year and overall goals for next year.
Between that and everyone’s “I’m in such a different place now compared to last year” fb posts, I’m a bit…[insert word I can’t identify here].
Looking back on 2015, I feel like I’m in the exact same place I was last year….just with way more stress…and not the good kind.
It’s funny, my dad’s summation of everyone’s issues speech mostly spoke to our family’s need to be workaholics…and how we will always be that way until something makes us stop. He said “just saying the words” of doing better with work life balance or being more social or learning to delegate or going on dates (shock he acknowledges his babies engaging dudes!) won’t really do anything…and that we’re all probably bs’ing regarding.
He also said my unmarried sister and I are getting older and we need to get a move on settling down. Eff that I said tell that to the lames! I ain’t settling for someone who ain’t pillar worthy!
Oldest sister is totally overwhelmed. I know she is her own person, but I really don’t want that for me. I can’t imagine having a job like this, a step daughter with issues, an infant son, and a husband who’s….(which seems to be a trend…”dudes looking for a mother figure they can bone” as someone on twitter put it). I refuse to choose someone like that for any sort of association with my vagina or heart. SO DEAD SERIOUS about the pillars.
Funny how family illuminates things you know about yourself…definitely a mirror there even with the way we interact with others. Everyone is always doing the most…stressed out…worn out…always…and we do way more than what’s required. WAY more than anyone even asks or expects. You literally have to take things out of our hands or handle things preemptively or we’ll do it all. We will steamroll and not ask for help…and then be totally drained energy wise and spiritually while everyone else is happy, well fed, and well supported.
This has been the pattern of everything in my life work to relationships…and I tend to pick institutions and people who benefit from my services without a desire to expend much effort on their part…some even pride themselves on this….
I check my work email every few hours still…not the client one, just the firm one. Today got one about the high priority project and how they need something this week (Even though I’m not supposed to return until next Monday and the project doesn’t start until Mid-January.)
I felt my stomach flip and felt a feeling of dread and anxiety wash over me…not a cool reaction at all.
But I also know these types of emails from this person, though full of expedience and immediacy, ALWAYS result in me rushing only to not have it be all that important. I’ll stay up all night writing plans and things…and the meeting to go through it is set for the next week.
It can wait. I will respond tomorrow that I received the email and will tell them I’ll have it to them by COB Thursday.
I haven’t even made it through 48 hours of actual rest between funeral stuff, hosting family, and babysitting niece and nephew. I literally NEED this time or I will not be useful at all once I go back next week.
I might even quit. (No joke.)
So no more than 2 hours devoted to work for the rest of this week.
Seriously..
So that’s work…
Then there’s personal life.
I’ve posted this before, but she really does perfectly sum me up.
This girl looks mostly unbothered.
She’s noting things but not acting on them.
She’s been through some things but has a “watch and wait” way of approaching life.
She’s outside of the box in the way she presents herself but still conventionally attractive.
She probably would not be shocked or impressed by much. You could talk to her about anything and she’d engage with you if she finds the topic interesting.
But she’s probably not interested in talking about what most people talk about.
She’s also moody. She likes her space. Or if she’s with people, she’s still mostly just observing them.
She doesn’t really care that much about what you think of her, unless she’s decided that your opinion matters (it probably doesn’t).
She’s mostly reserved in person, but she’s not shy. She will say something if she has something to say.
Sometimes she just doesn’t though because she doesn’t feel like defending her open minded views of things that come across as controversial.
So she just sits, quietly sipping her strawberry lemonade, judging you, and wondering how long she has to stay there before she can quietly exit and continue whatever show she was marathoning on Netflix.
…
I’m mostly okay with all of this.
But if I saw her out and about, I probably wouldn’t engage either. It would seem she’d look right through you, like you really shouldn’t talk to her unless you have something important to say….like you feel like you’re wasting her time by interrupting her day.
All that’s heavy…a lot to deal with.
So you just note that she’s cute and move on.
Or throw out a crass statement if you’re Leroy at the gas station…
Or some PU.A tactic if you’re a beta male who’s trying to take her down a peg to feel “powerful” or do some lame reverse psychology…
Or tell her to smile if you’re one of those dudes who feels like you know what’s good for her…
Not sure how to correct this though or even if it SHOULD be corrected. It’s like…
I am who I am…I don’t want to change that to be universally attractive or approachable. I don’t want everyone to be into me, just specific people.
If you’re genuine and honest, that can be really disarming. Most people are too busy posturing and deflecting to be this way. The pillars really just come down to the characteristics someone has to have for me to trust and respect them…and at the end of the day they can really be boiled down to 3 (Honesty, Science, Peen Health) instead of 6 (Self-Awareness, Self-Acceptance, Authenticity, Humility, Science, Peen Health). I just feel that “Honesty” needs more specificity…
Still though…it would be nice, this time next year, to spend this week after Christmas with a dude person.
No grand gestures, just hanging out with someone who isn’t lame or using me as an ego boost or prop for their self esteem or free meals or new cultural experiences on my dime.
We’d just enjoy each other’s presence and perhaps participate in foolery.
Simple…but oh so complex…
2015 or whatever.
What will I do differently in 2016?
If anything?
