Ramblings of an Insomniac
I wonder what makes someone crazy, or at least when do things come to a point where you realize you’re not exactly normal.
Ever since I was little, I never really had a healthy relationship with my father given that he was really strict and placed a lot of demands on us. I remember when my sisters and I were younger, we’d always kind of be afraid when Daddy came home because we never knew what kind of mood he was in. It’s not so bad now, but when you grow in an environment where you don’t feel like you can be close to the most important male figure in your life, it tends to rub off on other relationships with males.
I talked it over a while back with my mother and she’s always tried really hard to make up for what we didn’t get from my father by being extra supportive or whatever else. She tried her best but no one can really replace that kind of figure.
I think in relationships I tend to look for people to fill what my father didn’t provide for me so I’ll find the person who is laid back and supportive or whatever he wasn’t. I’m sure it wasn’t healthy because I began to rely on that person for too much and place too many expectations on that person.
So being that my mother has a background in clinical social work, she has a lot ties to psychology and actually suggested that maybe I could go see someone to help me deal I guess with my relationships with my father, the stress of Tech and just other relationships that have taken a toll on me somehow. I’ve been going to see her for a couple of months now and I’m not sure that it’s really helping just because I feel like she helps me to understand my hang ups but she doesn’t really do much to help me get over them. She’s suggested like for instance with the ex that maybe if I write out what happened maybe like a story or whatever then somehow that would help me purge a lot of my bitterness or distance myself from that somehow because that whole experience really did affect me very deeply. I did start to do that and it was okay, i wrote a little a while back but I feel like it might be too personal or too much of something I can’t really describe or deal with…like I said before when I read something I tend to live it and I’d rather not revisit that experience just because I know that it’ll awaken the kinds of feelings I’d rather not touch anymore…
I don’t even know. I don’t want to say that I NEED a male in my life, but when you’ve kind of grown up without one you try to find everything possible to fill that space. I can totally understand how some women can jeopardize themselves by maybe entering into prostitution or be open to unsafe sexual promiscuity because they don’t really know what it’s like to be loved and supported by a male figure whether it’s a parental kind of love or a romantic kind. I think in my relationships I was always like I understand that you feel a certain way about me but I need you to show me. I was all about expression because that’s what I lacked from my father.
Then it affects so many other facets of life. Another issue that came up one day was that I seek validation a lot. I showed that the other day when showing off the logo for my sorority chapter’s website. I feel like someone has to tell me it’s a good job before I believe that it’s a good job. Or even at home, my mother was hurt because I hadn’t shown her some movie that I’d done and she’d thought that it was really impressive. She was almost crying when she said, “my baby is so talented and I didn’t even know.” She was really upset that I didn’t think it was that great and I honestly still don’t….but she and my sister thought I was crazy for having such low expectations of my abilities.
But that comes from my relationship with my father. When I was in trouble for my grades being not All A’s…he would say why do you think this grade is acceptable why can’t you think you can do better.” But at the same time, a few days later even though the grade would have been an 86 or something, which was a C where I was, he would curse at me and say things like “don’t ever bring shit like this in my house” or off handedly at dinner one day he would say…”you can’t even get an A in calculus you’re not smart enough to…”
If you’re told that your entire life, it’s kind of hard to get out of that mindset.
It’s a cycle…
Unhealthy relationship with father caused by emotional abuse leads to finding people or things to replace what you lack from such a fundamental role which actually can’t be done because A, you don’t know how to place complete trust in any male because you don’t even have that relationship with your father, and B, you place too much emphasis on this person you are using to replace your father…along with everything else that goes into a romantic relationship…then heaven forbid anything negative happens with this relationship that further contributes to how you view or deal with males….
By all accounts I should be a lesbian by now…*laugh
I don’t know…I’m just rambling now but I was just laying in bed trying to get to sleep and this was on my mind
