F that I said…
I feel like I should take an even longer hiatus from this blog thing until something positive happens or else it’ll turn into a pity journal.
It’s kind of funny. The tables have turned in that AKA was the negative new element to life and now it’s the most positive. Now that I’ve crossed, I’ve been welcomed into a new family. I called my parents friends that are AKA’s and they’ve offered to pay for my line jacket among other things, and they’ve been really welcoming and excited for me.
Other facets of life though have taken a turn for the worse.
I can’t concentrate enough to study for anything…
Even though I tried to apply some study techniques that I had while going through the process, they haven’t really worked…one was learning something in five minutes that reciting it, but when I tried it this morning, it was more like learn something in five minutes know it, then fall asleep for five hours.
Whoever said life wasn’t fair hasn’t learned the half of it…
Treating someone unfairly + treating everything about the situation lightly = one of the happiest times of your life while the person that got screwed over suffers in more ways than one.
It’s not even like I’m jealous or anything, at least not of the person, but maybe of the situation. How many people really do find the “one” they’re supposed to marry? If I’m upset it’s just because the way I found out or the way people were pretending there was nothing going on when clearly something was, or even because there was a little “leading on” going on…I don’t know. The safest and smartest thing would be to say fuck it all goodbye…and the inclination to do that is getting easier everyday…about 70% of me says to do that…but 30% says “no wait! Be civil about it KaNisa. You can’t afford to lose a friend KaNisa! Forgive and forget!”
But when taking everything into account, looking back on this year, this person has been a greater hindrance in my life than a benefit. Looking back, I think this person has caused me to cry more than smile. Looking back I even wondered if this relationship was truly genuine or one that was just convenient for the time.
But at the same time, how else would I have learned so much about myself? How else would I have learned how much to give or how much to hold back in a relationship? How else would I know in the future to watch out for similar people so I won’t be hurt so much again?
It’s like I took a crash course in relationships this year…it was the best of times and the very, very worst of times….but I hope learning all of this so fast was so that I wouldn’t have to learn this through multiple people and that my special person will be on the way ASAP.
But even still though. Right now is one of those “very worst of times” moments. Too much time to think and ponder…
…yuck.
Isn’t life grand?
