Jada taught me
Just going to drop these right here. These are fb posts by Mrs. Pinkett-Smith. Kind of long, but all worth reading.
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When we make a claim to love someone, to be a friend or when we give our allegiance of any kind to someone, it is important that we learn to show up when we are needed. When we show up for those we say we love or have given our allegiance to, we are engaging in an act that develops strong bonds and relationships.
It’s not enough to say we love someone. It’s not enough to say we will be there or to say that we are committed to whatever relationship we may have with someone. It only becomes enough when we prove our words as true by showing up when it really counts.
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Someone asked me the other day why do people stay with people who treat them bad?
To me, the answer is simple…
They stay because they don’t believe they deserve to be treated better, and the moment one truly believes they deserve better… they do what it takes to change their circumstances which may even mean…leaving because being treated badly becomes… intolerable.
You deserve the best and never forget it
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You came to see me last night to tell me that you have decided to get a divorce. Last night I only listened, but this morning I woke up with a hope for you. For the past five years, I have been meeting with elders who have been married for 25+ years to get understanding from many perspectives as to what marriage and love is all about. Almost all the couples have said that at some point in their marriage they have stumbled upon inevitably difficult moments that called for a break. I spoke to one couple who had a few years apart only to re-discover their desire to grow old together and to do what was necessary to continue to deepen their love for one another. My hope for you is this, that you consider taking the route that some of our elders have taken in giving your marriage some space and time before the drastic decision of divorce. Answers to big questions need time to find lasting truth vs the truth of the moment. After this process the answer may be the same, but at least you will have the clarity to go about it all with certainty and integrity, but you may also find that spark that could save and rekindle your marriage.
My humble thoughts.
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I woke up with a exhilarating thought this morning which was, it’s okay that many of us are not in thee exact place we desire to be in life. I have been discovering along the way that life is all about making mistakes, and figuring out how to learn from them in order to enhance our lives. We continually forget that life is about discovering ourselves and our purpose. We spend so much time criticising one another for the decisions or inevitable pitfalls along the way that we forget that making mistakes, falling, failing and getting up again is exactly what life is about. Instead we try to use criticism as a way to pretend that we don’t fall, we don’t make mistakes or struggle, we pretend we have it ALL together, when we don’t. None of us have it all together. At some point I hope we all get to what’s real and surrender to the fact that we are all in the same boat, discovering and trying to figure out this thing called life so we might as well support each other along the way.
Just remember, you’re good, no matter what anyone else says. You are right where you need to be today. Keep living. The answers will come and be patient with yourself and others while we all…discover.
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The other day I watched a taping of Sharon Stone on The Queen Latifah Show, and she brought up an interesting point. She spoke about the idea of how our culture cultivates desperate women. This rang so true for me for we all have suffered at the hands of desperation, especially in our relationships with men. Many of us have been taught to believe that how people treat us is a direct reflection of our self-worth so we become desperate about our looks, desperate about whether he is being faithful, we become desperate about being good enough. My journey towards “womaning up” has taught me that how someone treats you is a direct reflection of who THEY are and that I have to be responsible in feeling good about myself in order to create good feeling experiences. Once I took on this responsibility for myself, I no longer carried the weight of desperation in needing to be good enough.
It’s time to woman up and be rid of desperation with knowing that being good enough gives us the power to stand alone and to also choose wisely the people we decide to love, without the influence of desperation.
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“Half lov’n just hurts.”
– Will Smith
When we say we love someone we should give all we’ve got, even if that means overcoming the parts of ourselves that keep us from the best parts of ourselves that deliver the promise of ecstatic love. Not only do we deserve to experience the best of who we are, but the people who we say we love deserve to experience the best of WHAT we are.
Happy Friday and Love… hard.
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I had an incident with a girlfriend yesterday who could not follow through on a task she had said she would handle for me. Needless to say, I was disappointed and soon found myself engaging in some kind of disconnect mode from her. Immediately, I had to step back to catch myself in order to remember that this woman is my friend whose love ALWAYS delivers. This thought brought me back to an “in the now” state of mind which illuminated that all this negative emotion was connected to past childhood disappointments which had absolutely NOTHING to do with the present circumstances. In that moment, I realized that our past can have too much influence on the present, and that emotional maturity must make room for disappointments from those who truly love us and are consistently looking out for us.
Being disappointed is an inevitable part of life, and I had to find my “in the now” adult mind to not take it so personally that she could not deliver on the task, and take responsibility for my own emotional immaturity.
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You are divorced. Your ex-husband is not being kind or considerate, but you can’t harp on it because it steals the energy that should be given to your potential and power. At the end of the day, your survival is at risk, and you complaining about what he is not doing and what he should be doing does not change your circumstances. We have to use these circumstances to analyze what we need to do different, how do we need to strengthen, and how we need to be more. You are strong and capable, and now you have been put in a position where you must use your capabilities to change your circumstances without your ex’s help or kindness.
In the ideal world, the circumstances in which you and your children are facing are unacceptable, but the most painful realization I have had about this life is that we are not entitled to anyone’s kindness or consideration. THAT, is a painful truth.
Stay focused and keep it moving.
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I have made a discovery about emotional habits. We have to make sure we are always protecting our emotional spaces and emotional needs. One should never get used to depriving oneself emotionally. I have noticed that when we accept long periods of unhappiness we get in the habit of being unhappy, even when events that we should be happy about are occurring in our lives. We lose the capacity to be joyous and enthusiastic if we don’t farm these spaces within ourselves. We really have to take notice and take responsibility for the emotional habits we nurture.
Take care of yourself…inside and out.
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One of my primary missions in life is to understand the dynamics of love. I have observed a big difference between really liking and caring for someone vs. loving them. I have observed people say,”I love you” when they actually may mean, “I like you”. An “I like you” relationship may only inspire a person to spend time and offer themselves to us in ways that are effortless, that don’t create discomfort nor require much psychic, emotional or physical effort. People in these types of relationships often keep up emotional walls that prevent the emotional intimacy that is required for the making of…love. When love is involved, one is inspired to dissolve those walls and make space for the psychic, emotional and physical efforts needed to build the relationship; therefore, forging the capacity required for vulnerability, receptivity and emotional intimacy necessary for establishing fulfilling bonds of love. It’s great to be liked or loved, but it’s our responsibility to know the difference.
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The need to want to be impressive to others is a substitute for authentic relating and deep connection. As long as we are seemingly impressive to others we can continue to fool ourselves with the notion that those who are “seemingly impressed” actually love and care for us. I suppose it is like “fast food love”. But…we know what fast food does to the body. Imagine what “fast food love” does to the heart and soul.
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I learned a big lesson yesterday. I made an unlikely alliance with someone whom I had considered an enemy. I realized that I made a conclusion about this person based on one incident as a protection mechanism. When we look at one action of a person and immediately label them based on that one incident not only are we misrepresenting that person, but we are representing ourselves as limited when we have the ability to see people beyond their mistakes, especially when they are willing and capable of showing us something different. I learned that the conclusions that I made about this person didn’t make me safe, they made me limited and ignorant.
To my new alliance, thank you for the lesson. I hope we find space to be friends.
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Our conversation last night made it clear that most of us wear adult faces, but we are actually stuck in our childhood traumas. Some of us demand that our needs be met as if every encounter with the world is a reenactment of encountering the childhood peers who terrorized us or parents who didn’t give us enough. The sad part is that most of us don’t know that we are operating from these hungry, angry and very demanding emotional wells which create drama in our adult lives. Many have claimed this stage of reckoning with our youthful beliefs and traumas in our late 30s, early 40s as a midlife crisis. It’s called a crisis, I suppose, because our youthful beliefs are no longer servicing nor creating the lives we want, and now we are forced to decide whether we want to acquire an adult mind and it skills to lead us, or remain…”youthful”. I’d rather not call this particular stage a crisis but rather an opportunity for the ultimate liberation which possibly…either choice could deliver. The beauty is… this is your life to create however you choose.
Be fearless.
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In my experience, heartbreaks have been the most devastating moments in my life. But… each heartbreak delivered me into something new and better. The trick had always been to find what I needed to learn about myself or the circumstance that I had participated in creating that brought me so much pain. First…I had to learn to surrender to the pain and suffer through it instead of running right into another relationship where I would tend to fall right back into the same pattern of my previous heartbreak. It took a lot of maturity and courage to choose to suffer through the loss, but I realized that the quality of my relationships were not going to change if I was not going to be willing to… change. Yes… heartbreak is an indicator that we have to change something so we can love and be loved how we truly desire.
Heartbreak can be a gift if we are willing to do the work to find it.
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Some of us have been taught to blame and make others responsible for our pain. Sometimes this may be true, but… IT’S NOT THEIR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX what they may have broken. Sucks, doesn’t it? When that finally hit home for me, I hated life. I hated life because that just was not fair. I hated life because, no matter what, it was a waste of my precious time to sit and wait for the people I was blaming to change my circumstances. Waiting had me feeling powerless which made me furious. I had to take my power back from the people and circumstances that had more power over me than my own will. The gift of our power is to make something useful, great and fulfilling from the pain we endure. And I swear, the day will come when you take pleasure in your gift of transforming inevitable disappointment, betrayal and loss into…a life with much meaning and beauty. Do it once and you will NEVER, EVER give the responsibility of your happiness…to another soul… again.
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Open marriage?
Let me first say this, there are far more important things to talk about in regards to what is happening in the world than whether I have an open marriage or not. I am addressing this issue because a very important subject has been born from discussions about my statement that may be worthy of addressing.
The statement I made in regard to, “Will can do whatever he wants,” has illuminated the need to discuss the relationship between trust and love and how they co-exist.
Do we believe loving someone means owning them? Do we believe that ownership is the reason someone should “behave”? Do we believe that all the expectations, conditions, and underlying threats of “you better act right or else” keep one honest and true? Do we believe that we can have meaningful relationships with people who have not defined nor live by the integrity of his or her higher self? What of unconditional love? Or does love look like, feel like, and operate as enslavement? Do we believe that the more control we put on someone the safer we are? What of TRUST and LOVE?
Should we be married to individuals who can not be responsible for themselves and their families within their freedom? Should we be in relationships with individuals who we can not entrust to their own values, integrity, and LOVE…for us???
Here is how I will change my statement…Will and I BOTH can do WHATEVER we want, because we TRUST each other to do so. This does NOT mean we have an open relationship…this means we have a GROWN one.
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Don’t be afraid to be grown…
How many of us are afraid to grow up because we fear that we will no longer be attractive…desirable?
Last night I got to have some girl time with one of my favorite women. She is a gorgeous woman who has been a light in this industry for two decades. We are both now in our forties, but I found myself more mesmerized by this woman’s beauty now than when we were in our twenties. During our conversation, I realized that her beauty had DEEPENED from all the wisdom she has collected from her years of experiences. It’s a beauty that has been earned. A beauty that a twenty year old can’t possess until she has paid the price of…evolution, of transformation, of having rose from the ashes of a thousand rebirths.
I thought to myself…this is the new phase of beauty that maturity brings. It’s a beauty that has learned to build and rebuild hearts. A beauty that can sustain all that is substantial. It’s a beauty that we, culturally, rarely exalt, rarely recognize or give praise to. Culturally, we hound exterior youth but… it’s our deepening, our self-actualizing, that creates the beauty…that lasts…for eternity.
Don’t be afraid to be GROWN. It’s beautiful;)
