Self Awareness. Self Management.
Another tribute has come and gone.
Gonna take a second on this.
As usual, eh.
What’s interesting is another wave of the reminder of why the tribute is happening.
People deal with grief in different ways, as I’ve said, sadness/depression really about anything…I don’t understand those emotions. Even anger sometimes….also difficult to comprehend.
The why’s and hand wringing….again bleh. I don’t second guess people’s choices…I think that and pitying people does people a disservice. I’m never going to pity someone because for the most part, that is to say I don’t respect the choices they’ve made for their lives. Accountability is a thing to me…
I think I’ve said before that I don’t get sad about P the way others do, both because his energy feels very present and also sad is not emotion that I frequently visit or even know.
It’s not a repression because I did cry the one time at the tribute when his voice came on but since then…it’s been fine. Besides the DM regret thing I still think I could have gotten in there…
It’s not that I don’t think of him often, legit wear something of his on my person every single day in a way that’s probably obsessive.
The week of training a bit ago was probably the first week since last March that I didn’t have him in my ears for at least 4 hours at a minimum…not exaggerating.
And he’s the only musician that I’ve listened to for, again not exaggerating, 98% of the music I’ve heard since late March of last year.
Legit the archetype dude wise…
All those things.
Unhealthy infatuation here.
I’m aware of this though…very aware.
SELF MANAGEMENT
And I know why this is.
And I know at the root of it, the things I like most about him are really about me, because they are the parts of me I haven’t projected outside of my head for the most part.
And I know that he’s again a mirror that makes me see myself in a crystal clear way, the good and the bad.
And I know my projection of him (because I do not know him) cough Sun/North Node aside astrology wise which legit means that he is the personification of the deeper parts of myself right there as a person….
…I forgot where I was going with this thought…
But it’s both fascinating and beautiful and deep and terrifying.
And I want it and am infatuated with him because the deeper I dig, the more I learn about different parts of me…because the things he says or does or writes makes me really dig into my own motivations for how I operate…and helps me to overcome in areas where I struggle because those areas are identified and prodded through his work and associations.
Which is fascinating and beautiful and deep and terrifying.
So to be sad that he’s not here?
What if all that you knew of him was his music?
What if that’s all he wanted to be remembered for?
Because that is what is here now.
And there’s literally not enough time to hear everything he’s done.
The fact that he’s not here to perform it for you in the same space is the only difference (although one can argue sometimes a personal murmur in your ear when it’s just him and you can be a…*cough)
The most important part of him that impacted you is still here and will always be here.
And even then, yes he’s not here in the way that we’re used to, but I’ve talked enough (and haven’t even mentioned stuff that’s happened in the last few weeks) about evidence that he’s still around in a very present, but different, but PRESENT way that is creepy and also lets one know that people don’t leave when they duck out, they just change the way they communicate with you.
So maybe try not to be sad when someone transcends. Maybe accept them in their new forms so you can get to know them again…
The versions of them who legit are with you every day and not in a hippy way but a real way if you’re open to it. The happy versions. The ego-less versions. The versions of them that are pure love.
The version you will be too someday…
