Just keep swimming…
To be honest a lot of this Prince obsession is because my life is a disaster more than usual right now between work and all this Black people stuff.
It’s literally kind of my religion and refuge even though that is mostly blasphemous.
I am all about avoidance of emotions and there are a ton that I’d rather not deal with or else I’d basically be worthless everyday. I have too much to do right now so I’m just going to sit here and keep myself going through my Prince fantasies and going to work and pretending all this stuff is a dream that I will wake up from.
When I wake up, Prince will still be alive and making music with random people he found on YouTube.
I won’t have to read that people think my life doesn’t matter every day.
I won’t have to read that people hate me because I’m Black every day.
I won’t have to read that I’m unattractive because I’m a Black woman.
I won’t have to read that I’m unattractive to Black men because I’m a skinny Black women and I “look like a child”.
I won’t be objectified with people wanting to take me out based solely on how I look and not by who I am.
I won’t be passed over/used because I can pay for my own life and am generous with the dudes I engage with.
I won’t have to read that people think I deserve to die and that I’m 99% likely to be killed by another Black person at least once a week.
My project will have finished on time, within budget, and with inconsequential bugs.
All this stuff is always happening to some degree, but everything is on 100 lately. It’s really a lot to deal with. Like I am LITERALLY being told I am worthless, LOUDLY every day…sometimes even by people who look like me. It is HARD for that to bounce off each time even when you know it’s not true. It’s like it chips away at you. The only way to avoid it would be to legit not be on social media or watch the news or delete dating apps, or always walk around with earphones in…things get reshared by other Black people or allies, the news wants viewers and clicks, and you can’t refract people when they stare at you or make comments about your body as you walk by…
I don’t know what to do with all of these feelings, truly…I just know that if I let them through, like I did last week, I legit won’t get out of bed all day. Called in to work and told them I wasn’t coming in. Drove to my parents’ house after I felt a little better, again blasting Prince the whole way, and basically lived up under them for the weekend.
I feel a little better now, but man…a new week to get through.
I don’t know what to do.
Help us all.
